At first the sounds were soft, like windchimes on steroids. As I remembered Drunken Patriot had left me sans clock, the thought infiltrated my mind, oh good, I´ll know what time it is. I counted eight, nine, ten... twelve, thirteen, fourteen... eighteen, nineteen... twenty-two... and then ceased. Clearly the chimes were documenting every second of my suspended Snow White slumber.
Thirteen minutes and a choir of hell-bells later, tears threatened to antelope-gallop down the sides of my squeezed-shut eyes. I screamed incomprehensibly and tore the alpaca (llama) blankets from the cocoon I had fashioned around my body. I sleep-staggered to the door, tossed it open, and blinked into the streaming daylight, aka inferno.
I huddled on the 2nd story balcony, white knuckles gripping the banister as if I could strangle the bells that continued to accost my ears. It was only upon shrieks and the monkey-laughter of small children accompanied by pointed fingers in my direction that I sniper-reconaissanced myself. I had forgotten that I hadn´t worn any shorts to bed that night, just underwear. Peruvian children were laughing at me, and I was the pantless solo American girl standing there covering ears as if a bell bomb had exploded inside my ears.
I later learned what I had believed to be chimes were actually church bells. They lasted from 5:45am-6am. I also learned that Peruvian children are not used to seeing anyone in underwear. I know this because the hostal´s owner enlightened me as to dress propriety: ¨You wear pants. Children no see lady things. You cover up. You wear pants.¨
March 29th 6:46pm - Proud as Mary
My negotiation skills have always been those of Barbie. That woman extorts everything! My artistry may not have achieved much in department stores, but by god, in bargaining with my parents, I would always acquire more money. This is evidenced by my weekly allowance. In 10th grade my dad handed me $10. I immediately, without any prior thought, projected the confusion and frustration of any accomplished actor.
¨I´m supposed to get $15 a week, not $10.¨
¨What?¨
¨Yep, $15. We discussed it last week.¨
I then bombarded him with details: what he was wearing, where he was sitting, what tv show he was watching, our detailed conversation. He apologized for forgetting and handed me $5 more. My sister´s skillset was not so adept. She once bargained to receive ten $1 bills instead of one $20 bill. Thus, I´ve always felt my proficiency to be superior to that of the mere mortal.
Until today. I missed the bus to Cusco. I blame my traveling companion Drunken Patriot. Since he left, I have been without an alarm clock, aka phone. I located another bus that would transport me to Cusco after two stops, for twenty soles. This equates less than $7. I regarded this as too expensive and opted to find another bus. I later learned there was no other bus. This forced me to take a taxi.
Hours after the taxi realization, I bargained with a taxi to drive me. His price: 60 soles. I negotiated down to 45. I was as proud of myself as Mary, mother of God. I entered with a smile on my face. Until I realized that had I taken the original bus, I would have paid less than half price.
¨I´m supposed to get $15 a week, not $10.¨
¨What?¨
¨Yep, $15. We discussed it last week.¨
I then bombarded him with details: what he was wearing, where he was sitting, what tv show he was watching, our detailed conversation. He apologized for forgetting and handed me $5 more. My sister´s skillset was not so adept. She once bargained to receive ten $1 bills instead of one $20 bill. Thus, I´ve always felt my proficiency to be superior to that of the mere mortal.
Until today. I missed the bus to Cusco. I blame my traveling companion Drunken Patriot. Since he left, I have been without an alarm clock, aka phone. I located another bus that would transport me to Cusco after two stops, for twenty soles. This equates less than $7. I regarded this as too expensive and opted to find another bus. I later learned there was no other bus. This forced me to take a taxi.
Hours after the taxi realization, I bargained with a taxi to drive me. His price: 60 soles. I negotiated down to 45. I was as proud of myself as Mary, mother of God. I entered with a smile on my face. Until I realized that had I taken the original bus, I would have paid less than half price.
March 26th 10:59pm - Me=Befuddled Sheep
I don´t mind eating in a restaurant alone. Sincerely.
Modification to that assertation: I have a prerequisite for eating solitary.
I require something to occupy myself with: i.e. a book, notebook, camera, phone, camera-phone, a small child... something. Anything. Those who eat alone and aren´t accompanied by something to play with inevitably glance around like befuddled sheep. Tonight I was a befuddled sheep.
After being seated by the hostess/waitress/chef, she promptly disappeared and reappeared like an energizer bunny on crack. She transported cervezas, pastas, pizzas, and guinea pig, all while balancing steaming Cocao Tea on her rhinoceros nails. I managed to finagle a menu from her, and eventually my garlic pasta and pequeña negra. In between these interactions, which both absorbed the amount of time necessary for consuming a shot of my beloved Jager, I captivated myself by viewing the pictures on my camera and reading from Lonley Planet´s Peru edition. This book is as necessary to my existence as alcohol. However, thirty-five minutes after complete consumption, and having scrutinized over pictures and a book fifteen thousand times, I permitted the Wandering Eye.
Thirteen minutes later, Hostess/waitress/chef having surpassed my feeble attempts at acquiring her attention ten times, I necessitated some dinner human interaction. Wall decor and human observation might interest a fly for longer than ten minutes, but not me.
I screamed across ten tables and twenty-two heads at a solitary fifty-something white man upon his food delivery.
¨That looks amazing! What is that?¨
His startled incomprehension reflected that of a hospital patient emerging from a coma after seven years and seeing his aged son hanging above his head. I hadn´t expected this. I couldn´t violently swing my head away without being obvious, so I rotated my eyes from Coma and analyzed an imaginary painting on the wall.
Minutes later a fellow eater approached Crack-Bunny and, from what I could discern, requested her check. ¨Moi aussie!¨ I shrieked. Mass confusion and cocked heads followed my verbal eruption.
¨Oh, I mean, Yo tambien, por favor.¨
My Spanish is improving!
Modification to that assertation: I have a prerequisite for eating solitary.
I require something to occupy myself with: i.e. a book, notebook, camera, phone, camera-phone, a small child... something. Anything. Those who eat alone and aren´t accompanied by something to play with inevitably glance around like befuddled sheep. Tonight I was a befuddled sheep.
After being seated by the hostess/waitress/chef, she promptly disappeared and reappeared like an energizer bunny on crack. She transported cervezas, pastas, pizzas, and guinea pig, all while balancing steaming Cocao Tea on her rhinoceros nails. I managed to finagle a menu from her, and eventually my garlic pasta and pequeña negra. In between these interactions, which both absorbed the amount of time necessary for consuming a shot of my beloved Jager, I captivated myself by viewing the pictures on my camera and reading from Lonley Planet´s Peru edition. This book is as necessary to my existence as alcohol. However, thirty-five minutes after complete consumption, and having scrutinized over pictures and a book fifteen thousand times, I permitted the Wandering Eye.
Thirteen minutes later, Hostess/waitress/chef having surpassed my feeble attempts at acquiring her attention ten times, I necessitated some dinner human interaction. Wall decor and human observation might interest a fly for longer than ten minutes, but not me.
I screamed across ten tables and twenty-two heads at a solitary fifty-something white man upon his food delivery.
¨That looks amazing! What is that?¨
His startled incomprehension reflected that of a hospital patient emerging from a coma after seven years and seeing his aged son hanging above his head. I hadn´t expected this. I couldn´t violently swing my head away without being obvious, so I rotated my eyes from Coma and analyzed an imaginary painting on the wall.
Minutes later a fellow eater approached Crack-Bunny and, from what I could discern, requested her check. ¨Moi aussie!¨ I shrieked. Mass confusion and cocked heads followed my verbal eruption.
¨Oh, I mean, Yo tambien, por favor.¨
My Spanish is improving!
March 25th 2:19pm - Language Leaps
After five days in a Spanish-speaking country, I am rapturous to report my Spanish vocabulary has expanded extensively. Instead of my sole Español knowledge being, ¨Diez cervezas por favor,¨ I now know:
¨¿Quanto cuesta?¨ How much is it?
¨Lo siento.¨ I´m sorry.
¨No hablo Español.¨ I don´t speak Spanish.
¨Estoy embarazada.¨ I´m pregnant.
and ¨Perdi mi marido.¨ I lost my husband.
(I´m not pregnant. Or married. But they are advantageous sentences to know.)
I have also perfected the word hola. As I mimic Peruvians in ¨hola,¨ my expert enunciation of it warrants a rapid Spanish response.
At which point I respond with, ¨Lo siento, no hablo Español. Estoy embarazada y perdi mi marido.¨
¨¿Quanto cuesta?¨ How much is it?
¨Lo siento.¨ I´m sorry.
¨No hablo Español.¨ I don´t speak Spanish.
¨Estoy embarazada.¨ I´m pregnant.
and ¨Perdi mi marido.¨ I lost my husband.
(I´m not pregnant. Or married. But they are advantageous sentences to know.)
I have also perfected the word hola. As I mimic Peruvians in ¨hola,¨ my expert enunciation of it warrants a rapid Spanish response.
At which point I respond with, ¨Lo siento, no hablo Español. Estoy embarazada y perdi mi marido.¨
March 24th 12:37pm - Pequeña Negra
Aguas Caliente, Peru. Restaurant.
A few days ago a discriminating beer desire sneak-struck me. I ordered a beer: Pequeña Negra. And couldn´t thwart the thought that a small black child was forthcoming, expecting to be drank.
Visions of me picking up said small black child, situating on my lap, and spoon-feeding it harassed my brain. I´m smitten with children. Especially when drunk. I know this because in Vegas a few months ago, after three hours of bottomless mimosas, I proclaimed my obsession with small children to my friends. They later unearthed me huddled on the edge of a table like a collapsed cow. This table had a gaggle of pequeña children seated at it.
When the waitress positioned a black beer facing me, I couldn´t evade nostalgia for anyone under the age of seven. I have since assuaged this longing by waving to young Peruvians and pronouncing ¨hola,¨ in my best attempt at child-aficionado, non child-molester.
Noted: it is not prevalent in Peruvian culture to wave.
A few days ago a discriminating beer desire sneak-struck me. I ordered a beer: Pequeña Negra. And couldn´t thwart the thought that a small black child was forthcoming, expecting to be drank.
Visions of me picking up said small black child, situating on my lap, and spoon-feeding it harassed my brain. I´m smitten with children. Especially when drunk. I know this because in Vegas a few months ago, after three hours of bottomless mimosas, I proclaimed my obsession with small children to my friends. They later unearthed me huddled on the edge of a table like a collapsed cow. This table had a gaggle of pequeña children seated at it.
When the waitress positioned a black beer facing me, I couldn´t evade nostalgia for anyone under the age of seven. I have since assuaged this longing by waving to young Peruvians and pronouncing ¨hola,¨ in my best attempt at child-aficionado, non child-molester.
Noted: it is not prevalent in Peruvian culture to wave.
March 23rd 11:53pm - Peru Quotebook
Peruvian Quotebook: First three days of my traveling companion´s Spring Break: Pisco, alcohol consumption, whorehouses, lifeless brain incapable of producing simple thought processes, including speech:
SP: (staggering in to the room at 6:30am, having disappeared at 3am in a beer-exploration): ¨I saw the biggest nipples ever! They were on a hot prostitute in an Asian mafia-run whorehouse where they were all on Heroin!¨
K: ¨We don´t have to go parasailing if you don´t want to since you feel like you´re going to puke and all.¨
SP: ¨I don´t remember anything from the first half of the trip. Nothing... Maybe a prostitue´s nipples.
SP: ¨The first half of the trip was the closest I´ve ever been to death. I puked out of a Peruvian cab on the drive to the airport!¨
K: ¨If our other friends were here, you´d be dead right now.¨
SP: ¨If our other friends were here right now, I´d be drunk. I´d be dead two days from now.¨
SP: (staggering in to the room at 6:30am, having disappeared at 3am in a beer-exploration): ¨I saw the biggest nipples ever! They were on a hot prostitute in an Asian mafia-run whorehouse where they were all on Heroin!¨SP: ¨I don´t know what´s happening right now.¨
K: ¨We don´t have to go parasailing if you don´t want to since you feel like you´re going to puke and all.¨
SP: ¨The only difference bet
ween me being hung over and not is that I´m not drunk right now. We are going parasailing for sure.¨
ween me being hung over and not is that I´m not drunk right now. We are going parasailing for sure.¨SP: ¨I don´t remember anything from the first half of the trip. Nothing... Maybe a prostitue´s nipples.
¨K: ¨You spent 100% of the first half of the trip either drunk or dead.¨
SP: ¨The first half of the trip was the closest I´ve ever been to death. I puked out of a Peruvian cab on the drive to the airport!¨
K: ¨If our other friends were here, you´d be dead right now.¨
SP: ¨If our other friends were here right now, I´d be drunk. I´d be dead two days from now.¨
March 22nd 12:35pm - Drunken Patriot´s First Foreign Night
Last night comprised Pisco, Pisco Sours, pizza - from Dominoe´s, nonetheless - Salsa dancing (lesson learned: one lacking coordination and dexterity cannot gracefully grasp Salsa in one Pisco-inebriated night), and an assembly of four Americans, three Peruvians, and one Canadian. My traveling companion relapsed into a Vodka/Pisco coma upstairs while continued consumption and Salsa transpired downstairs. By 3am he had sufficiently recovered and desired an expedition involving beer and karaoke to sing Springsteen´s ¨Born in 
the USA.¨ I craved sleep. Drunken Patriot investigated Lima nightlife complete with American flag bandana adorning his head while I lay in bed like a drunken clam.
The following encompasses his life from 3am-6am:
My friend strolled the streets in search of a bar, coveting beer. In Lima, Peru, at three in the morning, locating an open bar paralleled the probability of my grandma matching me shot for shot. In my twenty-three years, I´ve never seen the woman consume a drop of alcohol.
A tattoo-swathed Peruvian man approached my friend, saying, ¨Hey, what´s up Bro, you want some Cocaine?¨ After Drunken Patriot´s determined denial, Dealer, aka Ricardo, trailed him, engaging Drunken Patriot in conversation. He established that Ricardo had lived in California, had a Rage Against the Machine tattoo across his left chest, and was a cracked-out Coke dealer. Official occupation: Coke dealer. Supplementary employment: tattoo artist. My friend debated whether Dealer desired his company for his kidnapping and ransome potential, his inevitably costly possessions, and, thus, stealing prospects, or for his impending friendship, California-kinship. After vehemently informing Ricardo he would kick his ass if he attempted to steal anything, kidnap him, or (figuratively, of course), ass-rape him, Ricardo´s response was, ¨Man, I´m not a faggot, man.¨ As all bars, clubs, or any legitimate alcohol establishments closed at 3am, Drunken Patriot elected his beer craving took precedence over his common sense, and departed Miraflores, our Lima district location, for an unknown destination which Ricardo reported encompassed, ¨fucking beer and some fucking sweet-ass pussy.¨ Drunken Patriot´s thought process: I want beer. I want beer. Ri-fucking-cardo´s going to kidnap me. I want beer.
Thus, Drunken Patriot joined Dealer and friend in car driven by Dealer´s friend. The car sped like a Crack-cheetah, streaking through snaking streets in excess of 120mph (in his inebriatd state, my friend, an electrical engineering major, was still lucid enough to mentally convert kilometers per hour to miles per hour). Within fifteen minutes, a cop pulled the car over. Dealer informed Drunken Patriot he should remove his American flag bandana, and shoved a hat on his head as the cop approached. Ticket: not for speeding. Seatbelt law. $50US later - like paper gold in Peru - the Peruvian cop released the car ticket-less. Driving through sinister and suspect streets, Drunken Patriot contemplated opening the door and flinging himself out, Rambo-style. Such material comprises my bravery-dreams. He seriously considered it. The dark doorways, people-deficient sidewalks, and the car´s 130mph coerced hesitation. Upon driving through Alcoholic´s Agony - lifeless streets - a street flooding with vivid lights and bouncers materialized with intoxicated relief across Drunken Patriot´s face. The car parked, and he entered, flanked by Coke Dealer and friend. Inside, Heroin-high Asian mafia men crumpled, collapsed in chairs. Women ubiquitously situated throughout the room, and intermittent strip shows ensued. Dealer persistently attempted to steal Drunken Patriot´s camera from him, attain money from him for a prostitute, and entice him to the bathroom for some lines. My friend resolved to buy Dealer drinks so his thieving instincts would subside with alcohol consumption.
At 6:30am my Drunken Patriot returned to the Hostal, staggering and swerving, screeching about Coked-out Ri-fuck-ing-cardo, his first night across American borders, his beer-hunt, cops, Heroined-Asians, and whorehouses. My drunken clam coma response: ¨What?¨
the USA.¨ I craved sleep. Drunken Patriot investigated Lima nightlife complete with American flag bandana adorning his head while I lay in bed like a drunken clam.The following encompasses his life from 3am-6am:
My friend strolled the streets in search of a bar, coveting beer. In Lima, Peru, at three in the morning, locating an open bar paralleled the probability of my grandma matching me shot for shot. In my twenty-three years, I´ve never seen the woman consume a drop of alcohol.
A tattoo-swathed Peruvian man approached my friend, saying, ¨Hey, what´s up Bro, you want some Cocaine?¨ After Drunken Patriot´s determined denial, Dealer, aka Ricardo, trailed him, engaging Drunken Patriot in conversation. He established that Ricardo had lived in California, had a Rage Against the Machine tattoo across his left chest, and was a cracked-out Coke dealer. Official occupation: Coke dealer. Supplementary employment: tattoo artist. My friend debated whether Dealer desired his company for his kidnapping and ransome potential, his inevitably costly possessions, and, thus, stealing prospects, or for his impending friendship, California-kinship. After vehemently informing Ricardo he would kick his ass if he attempted to steal anything, kidnap him, or (figuratively, of course), ass-rape him, Ricardo´s response was, ¨Man, I´m not a faggot, man.¨ As all bars, clubs, or any legitimate alcohol establishments closed at 3am, Drunken Patriot elected his beer craving took precedence over his common sense, and departed Miraflores, our Lima district location, for an unknown destination which Ricardo reported encompassed, ¨fucking beer and some fucking sweet-ass pussy.¨ Drunken Patriot´s thought process: I want beer. I want beer. Ri-fucking-cardo´s going to kidnap me. I want beer.
Thus, Drunken Patriot joined Dealer and friend in car driven by Dealer´s friend. The car sped like a Crack-cheetah, streaking through snaking streets in excess of 120mph (in his inebriatd state, my friend, an electrical engineering major, was still lucid enough to mentally convert kilometers per hour to miles per hour). Within fifteen minutes, a cop pulled the car over. Dealer informed Drunken Patriot he should remove his American flag bandana, and shoved a hat on his head as the cop approached. Ticket: not for speeding. Seatbelt law. $50US later - like paper gold in Peru - the Peruvian cop released the car ticket-less. Driving through sinister and suspect streets, Drunken Patriot contemplated opening the door and flinging himself out, Rambo-style. Such material comprises my bravery-dreams. He seriously considered it. The dark doorways, people-deficient sidewalks, and the car´s 130mph coerced hesitation. Upon driving through Alcoholic´s Agony - lifeless streets - a street flooding with vivid lights and bouncers materialized with intoxicated relief across Drunken Patriot´s face. The car parked, and he entered, flanked by Coke Dealer and friend. Inside, Heroin-high Asian mafia men crumpled, collapsed in chairs. Women ubiquitously situated throughout the room, and intermittent strip shows ensued. Dealer persistently attempted to steal Drunken Patriot´s camera from him, attain money from him for a prostitute, and entice him to the bathroom for some lines. My friend resolved to buy Dealer drinks so his thieving instincts would subside with alcohol consumption.
At 6:30am my Drunken Patriot returned to the Hostal, staggering and swerving, screeching about Coked-out Ri-fuck-ing-cardo, his first night across American borders, his beer-hunt, cops, Heroined-Asians, and whorehouses. My drunken clam coma response: ¨What?¨
Pisco Sours
March 21st 2:32pm - You Know You´re Destined for Disaster When...
You Know You´re Destined for Disaster When...
As a first-time traveler you:
* Pack an American flag bandana, a hat with an American flag stating: ¨America: established 1776,¨ and a shirt with a waving American flag accompanied by a bald eagle that reads, ¨Proud to be an American.¨
* Manage to acquire hand-delivered alcohol to your plane seat, and, thus, alcohol intake on flight without paying $6 a shot.
* Have to be convinced by your traveling comrade not to consume an entire liter of Vodka on the first flight leading to your Mexico City layover. Your reasoning: if there´s alcohol in front of me, I will drink it until it´s gone.
* Enlist the assistance of a flight attendant in placing your essentially-empty liter in the overhead compartment. He informs you you´re really not supposed to drink on the flight.
* Wordlessly and immediately guzzle the remaining five gulps of Vodka when your friend notifies you that you don´t have to hold back because of her modest consumption.
* Pass out during the layover´s remainder and do not recollect anything during the 4 hours between sitting at a table and boarding the connecting flight to Lima. Activities during those four hours include skipping and singing loudly about your love for America.
* Go through immigration having drunkenly written the wrong passport number. Upon being asked how many days intending to stay in Peru, you reply, ¨I don´t know anything you just said.¨He writes ¨790 days.¨You´re actually staying 9 days.
As a first-time traveler you:
* Pack an American flag bandana, a hat with an American flag stating: ¨America: established 1776,¨ and a shirt with a waving American flag accompanied by a bald eagle that reads, ¨Proud to be an American.¨
* Manage to acquire hand-delivered alcohol to your plane seat, and, thus, alcohol intake on flight without paying $6 a shot.
* Have to be convinced by your traveling comrade not to consume an entire liter of Vodka on the first flight leading to your Mexico City layover. Your reasoning: if there´s alcohol in front of me, I will drink it until it´s gone.
* Enlist the assistance of a flight attendant in placing your essentially-empty liter in the overhead compartment. He informs you you´re really not supposed to drink on the flight.* Wordlessly and immediately guzzle the remaining five gulps of Vodka when your friend notifies you that you don´t have to hold back because of her modest consumption.
* Pass out during the layover´s remainder and do not recollect anything during the 4 hours between sitting at a table and boarding the connecting flight to Lima. Activities during those four hours include skipping and singing loudly about your love for America.
* Go through immigration having drunkenly written the wrong passport number. Upon being asked how many days intending to stay in Peru, you reply, ¨I don´t know anything you just said.¨He writes ¨790 days.¨You´re actually staying 9 days.
March 20th 6:36pm - Hour 1: Alcohol Aspirations
My traveling companion is ecstatic Chevy Chase in National Lampoon´s European Vacation. Except drunk. And on
Spring Break. I, World Wise Traveler, was unaware of a very focal flight fact: you can bring alcohol on the plane. Legally. And drink. Chevy Chase had previously determined he would smuggle a water bottle of alcohol on the plane. His mother (a prior airline stewardess) had advised him not to appear a rebel because his butt cheeks would be checked. His bandana and ¨Amazon¨ hat equated Potential Rebel. His butt cheeks, subject to search, had been the former Smuggle Alcohol Plan. As neither of us was confident if caught he wouldn´t be detained as an alcohol terrorist, we resolved the multiple alcohol bottles would enter checked-in luggage for destination-consumption.
New Plan: purchase a bottle in airport and smuggle on plane. Duty-Free shop=bottles. Wallet=money. Drunk desire=done. While buying fifteen minutes before flight departure and thirty minutes after initial boarding, the cashier inquired his flight information. Chevy Chase provided it and queried why. Answer: so the bottle can be delivered to the correct gate.
New Knowledge: when purchasing alcohol at a Duty-Free store before an international flight, they will bring the bottle to your gate and hand-deliver it to your seat minutes before take-off.
Spring Break. I, World Wise Traveler, was unaware of a very focal flight fact: you can bring alcohol on the plane. Legally. And drink. Chevy Chase had previously determined he would smuggle a water bottle of alcohol on the plane. His mother (a prior airline stewardess) had advised him not to appear a rebel because his butt cheeks would be checked. His bandana and ¨Amazon¨ hat equated Potential Rebel. His butt cheeks, subject to search, had been the former Smuggle Alcohol Plan. As neither of us was confident if caught he wouldn´t be detained as an alcohol terrorist, we resolved the multiple alcohol bottles would enter checked-in luggage for destination-consumption.New Plan: purchase a bottle in airport and smuggle on plane. Duty-Free shop=bottles. Wallet=money. Drunk desire=done. While buying fifteen minutes before flight departure and thirty minutes after initial boarding, the cashier inquired his flight information. Chevy Chase provided it and queried why. Answer: so the bottle can be delivered to the correct gate.
New Knowledge: when purchasing alcohol at a Duty-Free store before an international flight, they will bring the bottle to your gate and hand-deliver it to your seat minutes before take-off.
March 19th 6:45pm - Common Sense
My unemployed status manifested the only obvious outcome: travel. Having collected unemployment checks the past two months while actively attempting not to acquire a job, I visited Los Angeles, New Orleans, Austin and San Antonio. As I harvested Mardi Gras beads and alcohol in New Orleans, I resolved to travel internationally immediately. I intended to accompany my cousin on an Australian deviation, but when assessing the price, $1,100 plane ticket plus costly Aussieland life seemed purely unreasonable compared to $424 flight to South America plus inexpensive accomodations and alcohol. Thus, South America ensued. Within two days I had purchased a flight and recruited a friend to accompany me during his spring break. It has now been three weeks and I depart tomorrow morning. My friend´s schedule permits him to escort me for nine days. I am going for forty.
In reaction to my dad´s Hitler-esque traveling preference of scheduling every aspect of the trip without deviating for days of rest, I have no reservations and no plans. My dad would wake us as the sun splintered the sky and run us ragged city to city. Two families once hiked through Athens for two hours in sleep-comas and suffocating heat because he wanted to find a market. No beach days in Venice, Italy. Breakfast and sleeping were luxuries. During vacations Dad was money-hoarding Hitler with at least four people in tow. But by God we experienced the most of every city and country! Conversely, the extent to which my knowledge and preparation extends: Machu Picchu is near Cuzco. We will go there!
In reaction to my dad´s Hitler-esque traveling preference of scheduling every aspect of the trip without deviating for days of rest, I have no reservations and no plans. My dad would wake us as the sun splintered the sky and run us ragged city to city. Two families once hiked through Athens for two hours in sleep-comas and suffocating heat because he wanted to find a market. No beach days in Venice, Italy. Breakfast and sleeping were luxuries. During vacations Dad was money-hoarding Hitler with at least four people in tow. But by God we experienced the most of every city and country! Conversely, the extent to which my knowledge and preparation extends: Machu Picchu is near Cuzco. We will go there!
March 17th 11:52pm - Everything's Bigger in Texas... Including Drinking Propensities
You Know You're Drunk When... in Texas...
* You spend $80 on $3 drinks and two people.
* You consider paying money to view an independent film is a good idea. Lesson Learned: This is never under any circumstances a good idea. Thus why the genre "independent film" adorns the movie. "Independent film" = bad movie. It's a warning.
* You incessantly walk ahead of the person you're with back to the motel. It's imperative to procure a spare room key from the front desk because you don't have one.
* You slap your friend across the face and can't rationalize the reasoning the following day.
* You (as a girl) continue to deluge a guy with stories concerning kicking males in their balls. In one of the tales, a male asks for your phone number, and you retort by karate-kicking him in his balls.
* You pay $20 for a guy to receive a body shot off two girls... and watch him get bitch-slapped.
* You believe your phone may have fallen out of your purse. You exit the bar without confirming you have it. You left it at the bar.
* You spend $80 on $3 drinks and two people.
* You consider paying money to view an independent film is a good idea. Lesson Learned: This is never under any circumstances a good idea. Thus why the genre "independent film" adorns the movie. "Independent film" = bad movie. It's a warning.
* You incessantly walk ahead of the person you're with back to the motel. It's imperative to procure a spare room key from the front desk because you don't have one.
* You slap your friend across the face and can't rationalize the reasoning the following day.
* You (as a girl) continue to deluge a guy with stories concerning kicking males in their balls. In one of the tales, a male asks for your phone number, and you retort by karate-kicking him in his balls.
* You pay $20 for a guy to receive a body shot off two girls... and watch him get bitch-slapped.
* You believe your phone may have fallen out of your purse. You exit the bar without confirming you have it. You left it at the bar.
March 16th 6:34m - Don't Mess With Texas
Photo Chronicles:
At a bar on 6th Street in Austin
In case the text is indecipherable: "Cheers to Honor... Get on her & Stay on her."
Getting bitch-slapped by a Coyote Ugly bartender in San Antonio
At a bar on 6th Street in Austin
In case the text is indecipherable: "Cheers to Honor... Get on her & Stay on her."
Getting bitch-slapped by a Coyote Ugly bartender in San Antonio
Dirty Dog Bar, Austin
The Dirty Photo Booth within the Dirty Dog Bar
Close-Up of The Dirty Photo Booth Collage... aka Porn.
Close-Up of The Dirty Photo Booth Collage... aka Porn. Dirty Dog Geniuses: people pay $3 to take porno shots that the Bar then uses as decoration
The phallic Austin Motel
Motto: "So Close Yet So Far Out"
The Stunning Swifty Swine:
Pig Races:
Austin, TX Rodeo
March 15th - SF Odyssey
The day before I arrived in Texas the weather was ninety degrees. During the five days I traversed Texas, rain clouds and deluge shrouded the sun. The first time the sun shone was in the car returning to the Austin airport. 
Fast-forward eight hours to me installed on San Diego's airport floor endeavoring my eyes to remain open, drowsy head nodding like an oversized Bobble-head accompanied by incoherent mumbling strikingly similar to a drunken three-year-old. Four hours of a lengthened layover later, I, bag-oppressed, scampered to board the last BART train of the night. On BART I discerned my frequently meager cash fund comprised sixty-two cents. Characteristic of my generation: multiple credit/debit cards. No cash. As I consider begging for money an exploit reserved for bums and hobos, I was short the $1 necessary for the twenty-block commute back by bus.
In black spandex, sandals, a strapless orange summer dress, black jacket, backpack, purse, and luggage, my Jewish propensities decreed my scant unemployment income adverse to a cab ride. As it was now 1:30am, and my friends accomplish things with their lives in the forms of college classes and/or jobs, I surmised walking from downtown SF through the Tenderloin (a neighborhood tenderly known for it's homelessness, poverty, and crime) to my friend's apartment a logical decision. In preparation for the expedition, I diversified the weight around my body. I.e. slung my arms through the two side straps and hugged my oversized bag to my chest. A block and a half in to the excursion, my laptop-containing backpack on my back, purse at my side, hands in pockets, my traction-less sandals launched me from the polished rain-slicked sidewalk onto my back. I transformed from Confident Superwalker Woman to Helpless Ladybug. My bag pinned me to the concrete sidewalk and my appendages flailed until my arms managed to dislodge from bag and I regained a two-legged stance quasi-customary to humans. I chuckled and continued my trek. Now only eighteen and a half blocks away.
The few humans I encountered appraised me via raised eyebrows. I assume a young white girl drowning in black bags, sandaled feet sliding every few steps, promenading through the Loin at 1:50am was like seeing the Dali Lama slamming down Irish Car Bombs at a bar called the Dirty Dog.
It was not raining, yet Umbrella Man passed me. His dark skin, dark clothing, + me skeptical that I was walking through the Loin with every thieves orgasm (laptop, camera, cell phone, etc.) equated hesitation in passing his shuffling self. As he shambled by, he raised his umbrella-wielding arm. I stared at him believing it was entirely possible the thing was a magic wand that would strip me of everything I was carrying, clothes included. I lunged back as Magic Wand moved towards me. It lightly patted me on the head, Umbrella Man withdrew potential weapon, and ambled on his way. Umbrella Man metamorphosed into God. God had just blessed me with his stick.
Many MUNI's passed along with the thought that if I had only had a dollar, I would be back by now.
Two blocks away from my destination, I discovered a dollar bill fastidiously folded lying in the crosswalk. Waiting for me. This dollar was my savior. The savior that materialized to save me moments after I had potentially been mangled by a fire-breathing ladybug.
March 13th 9:08pm - Metal Gate-Spanked Face
For those in the audience when I attempt Karaoke, what had been a pleasurable experience for them hastily turns atrocious as soon as my inebriated self stumbles up those stage steps. I feel it entirely necessary to inhibit my own eardrum capabilities with my preferred Rum, as my life improves the less I comprehend my own attempts at birdsong. I have to imagine the audience’s revulsion and disappointment similar to dating the idyllic woman only to ascertain she is, in fact, your cousin (an experience that truthfully transpired with a friend’s friend... in Arkansas). Anyway, after thirteen too many songs and impressively constructed cords of expletives emitting from my audience’s mouths, I retired from the stage and the bar. My friends and I restored our lives back to the apartment, where I immediately subsided into my bed and coma-sleep.
My two roommates and another friend continued alcohol consumption and carousing and, at 4:45am, produced a plan: walk to the beach to watch the sun rise. For those of you unaware of the intimate proximity to our apartment, the beach subsisted sixty blocks away. Armed with alcohol and an astronomical attitude, one of my roommates descended the back staircase, her tone-deaf singing striking the walls. She successfully maneuvered four stairs before miss-stepping around the spiraling staircase. She plunged into an acrobatic summersault, tumbling over stairs, limbs everywhere, fluttering about like Michael Flatley’s Lord of the Dance. We had a rusted wrought-iron metal gate at the step’s base. Her forehead flung down the stairs, body and limbs catapulting down much like Ice Age's Scrat the ravenous Saber-toothed squirrel flinging himself over a cliff after an acorn. Her face converted into the bridge between her 5’11” self and the metal gate. A tender segment of skin an inch away from her eye martyred itself as the point of contact between one hundred sixty pounds of muscle and flesh and the corroded spears of the gate. The 4:45am-sixty-blocks-away-beach-scheme was abandoned. Her 6’9” black basketball-playing boyfriend refused to be seen in public with her for weeks until her face didn’t resemble the remnants of being bitch-slapped by a metal-gate wielding monk.
March 11th 3:43pm - Hall of Justice
Yesterday my experiences expanded, as my warrant exposed me to the paramount proceedings of San Francisco's justice system. The January warrant discovery was like choking on a baby in a King Cake - unexpected and undesirable. The $10 side mirror fix-it ticket stretched Pinocchio-nose-status to $300 bail. Over the previous sixteen months my side mirror conjoined to the car by surfeits of styles including duct tape, Scotch tape, and - durable for thirteen months before being ticketed - an Ace bandage. Ticketed in August, I archaic-mailed the auto-body receipt to whom I deemed the appropriate arena within the Trafficking Division, and assumed no answer = fix-it ticket success. This was wrong.
The following composed the conversation between The Honorable Judge - whose nose's doppleganger was, incidentally, Pinocchio's after four lies - and myself:
H. Judge: "You didn't pay a fix-it ticket."
Me: "I didn't know I had to pay, your Honor. I thought fix-it tickets meant you fix it, you don't pay."
H. Judge: "It was a $10 fee."
Me: "Yes, I now know that. I didn't at the time."
H. Judge: "So you didn't read the ticket. Do you have the original ticket with you?"
Me: "No sir."
H. Judge: "When you scheduled this appearance you got a copy of the ticket. Do you have that with you?"
Me: "No sir."
H. Judge: "So you have no copy of the ticket signed off by a police officer?"
Me: "No sir."
H. Judge: "Do you have any proof at all that you rectified the situation and fixed the side mirror?"
Me: "No."
H. Judge: "Is the car here so a policeman can walk out, review the car, sign it, and you can come back in with proof?"
Me: "No. I sold the car three weeks ago."
At this point his nose looked deceivingly dagger-ish desiring to be lanced directly and deeply into my throat. The Honorable Pinocchio requested my license plate, I provided it, and he rotated the screen so I could have the honor of seeing my name as the registered owner.
Me: "Uhhhh," was my intelligent response.
H. Judge: "Do you plead guilty?"
Me: "Does that mean I don't have to pay $300?"
H. Judge: "Yes."
Me: "Then YES."
H. Judge: "You owe $50. Here's your bill. Go downstairs, pay, and get your life together."
Me: "Yessir!"
March 10th 5:58pm - Egg Donor = Rich Genius?
My first gynecologist visit was pleasant. If the definition of pleasant comprised a metal popsicle thrust into my fuzzy taco which then magnified into an arctic multi-pronged blunt trident brandished to spread apart said taco layers. This lamentable procedure repeats once a year. At least.
That said, I know nothing about the procedure, but through mental fabrications and visions of being awarded $100,000 to donate eggs from such an accomplished person as myself, I am seriously considering the operation!
March 9th 4:23pm - You Know Your Life Loathes You When...
You Know Your Life Loathes You When...
Via cell phone, you assure a friend that you are, in fact, sober, and he should assail bars with you in a few hours. While articulating, "No, I am NOT drunk, I," your friend flits to you, bellows, "No talking to sober people who aren't here! Only alcohol!", punches the phone out of your hand, and your flip phone fractures into two pieces on the wood floor.
March 8th 11:29pm - Peru Text Conversation
Friend: "Find me a ticket. I just decided I'm going to Peru with you."
Me: "Alright, awesome! Will try."
Friend: By the way, where's Peru?"
Me: "South America."
Friend: "Where's South America?"
Me: "South of America."
Friend: "Oh, ok, so right next to Africa."
Me: "Alright, awesome! Will try."
Friend: By the way, where's Peru?"
Me: "South America."
Friend: "Where's South America?"
Me: "South of America."
Friend: "Oh, ok, so right next to Africa."
March 7th 3:20pm - River+Bars+Tubes+Rope Swings=Vang Vieng, Laos
Nirvana equates makeshift bars lining an expansive river bordered by majestic mountains complete with rope swings/ zip lines, some comprising volleyball/badminton courts.
This paradise = Vang Vieng, Laos. 
Last summer two friends and I encountered Vang Vieng in all its brilliance. Tourists subsidize the city, which centers on a thriving tube rental service. Rental fee + deposit = a day drinking drifting down a river. One tourist’s money could also likely feed eighteen thousand nine hundred people a meal. With America’s lawsuits, liabilities, and residents suing neighbors because they almost broke an ankle while traipsing through a communal field behind the house, such a genius concept would never materialize. However, in Laos, the finest worst idea ever ensued. We conferred our currency to the correct organization and joined fellow tourists in a motorized tuk-tuk to the drop-off point at the Mekong River. 
Amid shrieks and yelps at the cold water, we commenced our expedition. A four-minute float resulted in a river bar. By river bar I mean wooden planks crafting platforms (seats), scattered wooden benches, and a wooden slab hoisted from the ground behind which a Laotian concocted Gin, Rum, Vodka, or Bacardi buckets. After ingratiating ourselves with alcohol, we would then ascend twenty to forty-foot trees by way of insecure wood wedges nailed into the trunk, position ourselves on miniature unsteady platforms, clutch the end of a rope swing as if it was God’s hand to Heaven, and propel ourselves in the air. While swinging over the river, we had to contrive some way to land while avoiding the masses floating on tubes, and hopefully simultaneously preserve our lives. Once our bodies slapped the river, a Laotian would hurl an inner tube, we’d clutch it and get hauled through the currents and in to every alcoholic’s ecstasy. At some moment, after free Thai Whiskey shots and drunken chanting to whatever music played, we would gather our souls and tubes and proceed down the river to the next inebriation instigation, aka bar. A factor I failed to reveal: the method from river to bar: as you soared toward a bar, in some feral demonstration of arm gesticulation, bellowing, and bounding about in the tube, a Laotian would take notice, bowl a bamboo pole to you, you’d hopefully clutch it, and the worker would drag you in until you could plot your path to land.
After manifold alcohol buckets and launching ourselves into the Mekong River, one particular bar with its exploding American music especially appealed to us. After banshee-brandishing my arms about, Bamboo Man tossed me the pole and began to tow me in. My friend, caught in a current’s edge with nobody to snatch her, latched on to my legs. Bamboo Man was actually Bamboo Baby, a six-year-old who struggled to pull in two very generously proportioned (Laotians were midgets compared to our Goliath 5’7” and 5’11” heights) American girls ensnared by a current. He combated the Mekong, grunting, face pressed in exertion. He strained backwards, striving to draw us in, his beanpole legs rigid. And then he barreled headfirst into the river, like an unprepared eighty-year-old attempting to water-ski for the first time. The current corralled my friend and I and catapulted us downstream. My friend grasped onto a wooden pole supporting the bar’s platform, I gripped her like a sex-starved man with a woman’s nipple, and we plunged in and out of the water, determinately drowning, until some Herculean Laotian (5’2”) assisted us with his hand. It was quite possibly the best day of my life.
March 6th 11:43pm - July 4th, 2008 You Know You're Drunk When...
Gems compiled from last 4th of July:
You Know You're Drunk When...
* You're convinced you can take 11 Jello shots in two minutes and not feel the alcohol.
* The following day you exclaim, "I can't believe I never went in the water!" and your friends immediately reveal pictures of you in the hot tub and the lake.
* You visit Safeway and an array of other stores that provide alcohol and Dry Ice. At every stop someone tells you to be careful. You ultimately make and explode numerous large bombs.
* You discover the police are coming soon, so you set up Monopoly, the girls replace their shirts, and the guys play Frank Sinatra on the stereo to elude the cops.
* You fashion Dry Ice into various bombs and detonate them. Parents and police arrive to remove some of the offenders, and you volunteer yourself, even though you weren't involved, because you feel left out.
* Police and parents force you to leave Boozy House for the Family House (toddlers, parents, and elders), and you walk over a mile back to Boozy House with one friend on a fantastically busy street at 2am with only sleeping-bags for warmth.
* You are so intoxicated you believe it's 2am, but it's actually 8pm.
* You swim to a buoy naked at 5 in the afternoon.
Countless families adorn the docks and surrounding shore.
* You join your friend and his girlfriend in a threesome because someone jokingly suggested it.
* You ask your friend if you can throw her in the lake, she says no, and you instantaneously hoist her and carry her into the lake with you.
* You and three other girls become competitive about lap-dancing abilities and demonstrate on every man to prove their superior skills.
* A girl informs you she'll meet you in the back room to make out and she never appears. This recurs three times. Every time you are equally excited and announce it to the room.
* You kiss three guys you haven't previously met.
* You black out five times in one day.
* A friend says he'll drive you to the store, you refuse because you deem it faster to run,
and you insist upon walking/running six miles to get beer only to find the store closed.
March 5th 11:29pm - The Word Fuck...
I'm entirely intrigued by the concept of the word fuck.
Last night a friend and I played pool, he utterly missed a shot (the miss was comparably embarrassing to a six-year-old girl pummeling a thirteen-year-old male), and, upon missing, he screeched, much like said six-year-old female, "Fuck my life!"
This brain-raped me.
The word Fuck is so fucking functional!
Fuck's, in my estimation, traditional usage lies with the sexual signification. i.e. "I fucked her last night... I think," or, "She fucks like a seventy-year-old, she's so fucking experienced."
However, the word has so many other slews of uses. Fuck can be applied for almost every emotion (see below):
"Fuck him. Fucker stole my crayon." - Anger
"Oh, fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, that four-year-old's wielding a plastic spoon with a smile." - Anxiety
"I fucking love you! I really do. I fucking love you." - Appreciation
"I wouldn't fucking touch her if i was a blind man with a ninety-foot stick." - Aversion
"What the fuck just happened to my car and why does it appear to have been run over by a Chihuahua driving a semi-truck?" - Confusion
"Would you fucking look at that girl in the pig costume?" - Desire
"Fuck, that feels fucking good!" - Joy
"Fuuuuuck, my brain hurts from watching American Idol for ninety-two hours." - Pain
"I can't believe my fucking friend is in the hospital because he stubbed his fucking toe." - Sadness
"That MotherFucking Fucker just did what to my sister? And where the fuck is my pet snake Moo?" - Surprise
Fuck is so versatile! The word that means making love doubles as a the most profane word in our language. Alter "sex" in every above sentence. Result: ridiculousness.
March 4th 11:58pm - Foreign Language Disability
Last week I returned from Mardi-Gras-assailed New Orleans, and that night investigated the Internet for acceptable Australia flights. What materialized: atrocious Australia prices and an impending trip to South America (a reasonable third of the price – I depart in two weeks). Last night, a friend inquired how fluent my Spanish skills are.
My response, “Pretty proficient... after one college semester I claimed a foreign language disability...”
His, “What?”
My college major required three semesters of a foreign language. After consulting the celestial Kara’s Logic, this was regarded unreasonable. Nursing majors, inevitably to encounter armies of monolinguals with nonexistent English expertise, had no foreign language requirement. My major, however, English, demanded three semesters. My confusion commenced with the fact that I was majoring in ENGLISH, not Octa-lingualism. One would imagine English majors to be exceptional in the Mother Tongue without the hazards of learning another language (disregard the fact that I don’t know grammar – honestly, what’s an adverb?). Thus, I resolved not to strain my delicate brain by studying Spanish. The computer confirmed the unrivaled technique to obliterate a foreign language requirement: learning disability. I cantered into the Disabilities Center and met with a Disabilities Expert. My claim: Foreign Language Disability. After minimal hesitation during which Expert cited my surprisingly soaring G.P.A. and my B grade in First Semester Spanish, I cajoled him into considering me a victim of Foreign Language Disability, an affliction previously unheard of by myself. My explanation of my B in the preceding semester: I had lied and cheated through the semester, and at this Jesuit university, I didn’t want to continue sinning and compromising my morals. Thus I wangled a waiver for foreign languages. I’m convinced my Spanish skills are competent for my six-week South American adventure. I know this: Diez cervezas por favor!
March 3rd 11:43am - Indian Party?
A few years ago, a friend of ours proclaimed he was going to have a party two nights later. My friends and I (excluding the host) concluded the Christian course would be to construct a costume party. Heedless of the host's non-costume party propensities, we prepared an electronic invitation to a Thanksgiving-theme party... aka Indian and Pilgrim party. Our intoxicated state dictated we record the costume requirements (Get your asses to a Thanksgiving party Saturday night. The door will not allow you in unless It deems you dressed accordingly. So be a pilgrim or an indian, bitch!), and then continue in our inebriated spirits of screeching karaoke and verbally violating passersby from our second story window ("Hey, look at this guy, he's cute! You, you're cute!" - to a 40-something short, plump Mexican with gold teeth, aka Beer Goggle Beauty). In two nights, we gowned ourselves in grocery bags, our Indian smock substitute. The logic: brown grocery bag = dead animal fur look-alike. We pre-partied in my apartment, befuddled our brains with booze, and decreed bag decoration a necessity. Hours later, we pierced the party to find no costumes. Not one feather headdress or turkey scampering through knife-wielding college Pilgrims and Indians. No corn peace offering. We advanced, neglecting to acknowledge we were the only ones in Thanksgiving apparel, i.e. grocery bags. 
During a coherent moment, I overheard a conversation between two conventionally clothed chaps,"Who are those girls and why are they dressed in grocery bags with dicks drawn on them?"
Response: "Oh, they're soccer girls."
That comment concluded the conversation. Apparently enough explanation. Soccer girls.
One of my Indian-clad companions/teammates departed the party when her boyfriend hoisted her over his shoulder like a corn-seed sack and exited the house.
We eventually realized we had been so engrossed with hollering into microphones and out the window a few nights prior that we had composed the costume theme invite, but hadn't emailed it to anyone.
This is us: Pre-Party Perfection:
March 1st 5:35pm - Broken Bones and Gashes
You Know You're Drunk When...
SP: "My first night back drinking resulted in me waking up in a random house on the couch in my boxers with a broken hand and my right eyebrow a gash."
You awake in an unknown house and appear to have been violated by a 13.5 ton African Bush Elephant (see text messages I received below):
SP: "I think I fought a brick wall. I seem to dislike those when I'm drunk."
Me: "Or maybe a tree or parked car? One of my friends tends to get angry at those when she's drunk."
And Later:
SP: "My love for milk has saved me again as after two rounds of x-rays the docs still can't find a fracture. They are in such disbelief that I have to return for more x-rays in a few days."
Me: "You are Super MilkMan. Milk deserves a medal."
February 28th 11:23pm - Unemployed
As my company laid off me and multiple others in my Development Team a month and a half ago, to collect the exquisite and heavenly unemployment, The Government insists I apply for five jobs a week in attempts to obtain a position. Unemployment is like an ejaculation of elation in check form. I positively don't desire any real job for the next couple of months, thus I apply to positions with this response rubric:
Job Posting:
Title: Administrative Rockstar
Do you like good food, working with smart people and participating with world class organizations? Do you like to accomplish tasks at a high level and make the world a happier tastier place? Do have great attention to detail, a fantastic memory and the ability to get along with most people? If so, Dave's Gourmet has a career for you.
Etc. Etc.
Reply:
To Mr. Dave Gourmet,
Attached please find my resume. I am an Admin SUPERSTAR.
My Super-Hero Admin qualities:
* Ability to commence and complete ten thousand seven hundred and fifty-eight tasks within 6 seconds
* The faculty to form a feast from anything, including paper and other like office supplies
* The memory capacity of God
* Ghandi's social skills
Thank you for your consideration in this position! I look forward to hearing from you soon... unless, of course, the God of All Administrative Assistants applies, in which case if I were you I'd most likely bestow the position on him/her... presumably Her.
Sincerely,
Admin Superstar
February 27th 11:57pm - Your Life Loathes You When...
You Know Your Life Loathes You When...
You meet a girl and convince her to break up with her boyfriend so you can fly her to Ireland with you for vacation. The first night inebriation transforms you to Hellishly Handsome Ladies Lord of the Dance, you flirt fantastically with another female(s), and Original seizes the first return flight to the U.S., leaving you in the Emerald Isle.
Ladies Lord: college friend
Fatality: flight fare
February 26th 8:54pm - New Orleans You Know You're Drunk When...
Mardi GrasNew Orleans 2009
You Know You're Drunk When...
* You convince a cab driver to let fifteen people in one cab... and then endeavor to make him dance with you. While he's driving. He refuses.
* You strive to convince your friend to pee in a sink in a convenience store's two foot by two foot janitor's closet. You argue with the manager in the store while your friend is in the closet.
* You later attempt to pee in a parking garage until you get chased out.
* You awake the next morning to find one side of your ass containing one large bruise, seven small bruises, and no explanation.
* You kick a friend of a friend in the balls at a bar because he asks for your number. He hobbles outside only to return fifteen seconds later.
* You kiss a guy, walk away because he tastes like cigarettes, realize he was a good kisser despite the ashtray taste assaulting your tongue, return, kiss him again, and walk away. Again.
* You propose to a girl you just met through another friend (you are residing at her house), and twirl her around swing-dance status, dipping her, twisting her, curling her... your Mardi Gras beads entangle with hers and choke her. The more you endeavor to disentangle yourselves, the more you choke each other.
* You kiss a guy and continue to inform him (loudly), "I'm clean!"
* You get kicked out of a store for peeing in the employee's break room. There was no toilet in the break room.
* You determine the rubber chicken you caught off a parade's float is a superior container for your daiquiri, as opposed to a plastic cup. You proceed to request the bartenders to re-fill daiquiri into said rubber chicken.
* You steal cotton candy from an unattended homeless man's cart. Twice.
** Unrelated Addition: favorite NOLA sign I witnessed:
"Child Abuse: $2."
For those concerned, distressed types: Child Abuse is a drink.
February 24th 2:53pm - New Orleans Mardi Gras 2009 Quotebook
K: "You can see all the titties you want. During Mardi Gras they flow like wine."
F: "I'm really confused about my feelings inside."
K: "I want to cut off both my legs right now. Just for a little bit. So I can't feel them."
M: "Their mac and cheese sucks. I'll probably get it anyway."
B: "I knew I didn't belong in Arkansas when I saw a six-year-old in overalls standing on a truck aiming a gun at me."
F: "I want to get a tattoo. Either skull and crossbones on my neck, a kiss mark on my ass, or a face that's half my boyfriend's face and half Lil Wayne's."
F (reaction to King Cake): "I'm going to start putting babies everywhere.
Oh, you found a baby? You have to do my laundry."
K: "She has earrings with baby Jesus on them.
Maggie, I'm going to get you tittie tassels with baby Jesus on them.
Sinner!"
MN: "But you're a girl. Your sweat smells like sugar and tears. I have man sweat. Man sweat smells like wood and steel."
S: "I fell in love with two girls walking down the street. She's gorgeous and my wife."
K: "His friend is less fun than AIDS. She brought nothing but her vagina and she only shared it with one stranger. What a prude."
Stranger in the park approached a group of us, announcing: "You can suck my dick. My sperm everywhere!"
SR: "I can't take you seriously. You have huge balls and a feather boa."
February 23rd 5:54pm - Airline Affair
I expended last night on an airplane. The masses swarming around the waiting area to board the plane contained multitudes of handsome young men, and visions of flirtatious, fine conversation regaled my brain. Once I finally seized my seat, I sorrowfully realized King and Kong flanked me. Lack of legroom compelled me to consign my backpack to above, while my oversized purse and I pinched between limitless limbs. Displeased by my non-idyllic circumstances, Kong instantly assaulted me with questions and life inquiries. He pestered me with countless queries: where are you from, do you like it there, what do you do, how long have you been unemployed, what was your family life like growing up, as the oldest did you beat up your siblings, where did you go to college, etc. etc. Kong boasted Erckle glasses, shocks of white side-hair, and a coffee toupee. As life-customary, I was exhausted, and my head hastily bent back, eyes simultaneously shut, and mouth elegantly expanded into oblivion before the plane progressed movement. My coma-condition resembled sedation. I was drug-delighted. Until Kong continually poked and prodded me out of my reverie. Eyes revolving, head rotating, I mumbled, "What what what?" Kong explained he couldn't sleep, and I should concentrate on the imminent safety proceedings. The remainder of the five-hour flight formed me feigning Snow-White-trance, and Kong attempting to awake me by various methods of jabbing, screeching, and pulling. His parting words of wisdom as I blearily exited the plane at four in the morning: he had the sleeping capacity of a giraffe.
February 21st 3:48pm - Texts Currently in My Phone
Me: "Today I somehow won two hundred dollars... I don't know how. I'm drunk."
M: "I hate you! Today I got punched in the face by one of the four-year-olds I teach."
* "I think that people who can't sing naturally gravitate towards country where it's just loud talking with an accent."
* "One middle-aged person to another, 'Cheer up, ten years from now you'll never believe you were this young. Either I'm getting drunk or that's funny.'"
Me: "I certainly hope you got some good use out of Boondock Saints."
SP: "By 'good use' I assume you mean try to learn Gaelic and the most dramatic way to kill people... which sounds like an awesome idea to me!"
* (Vegas Result): "The x-rays were positive... and negative. There's a fracture but the doctor says it looks like it's old because it's more smooth than usual. But I can't recall when I might have fractured it before. I feel like I should remember such a thing."
* "Me to myself: 'Since my knee was cut up I wonder if there is any blood on the inside of my pants... Oh dear God what animal got slaughtered in my pants.' HUGE blood stain."
* "She's going to play Varsity soccer so I will be coaching her which should be interesting. Also, she's the vacuum that gave my brother the big-ass hickey that dominated his neck."
* "New use for Blackberry: grocery list."
* "My parent's house is childproof and it is making my life very difficult!"
* (Concerning Mardi Gras in New Orleans): "First parade tonight was insane... I got 23 beads without flashing... I can't wait for you to come!"
February 20th 3:48pm - Halloween Happenings
You Know Your Life Loathes You When...
Your coaches and other administrators in the Athletic Department witness you plastered, pitching down a city street wearing Drinking Team shirts and what can only be described as lingerie. 
A few years ago appropriate Halloween costume apparel baffled me and my friends. Until we prepared a plan. We would ornament ourselves in Drinking Team attire. What originated as beer boxers and tank tops with "Drinking Team" across the front, our nicknames and numbers on the back, metamorphosed into tank tops, underwear, and, in a few instances, tights.
Collaboration with Mister Jack and The Captain equated gratification with our whorish ensembles.
Collaboration with Mister Jack and The Captain equated gratification with our whorish ensembles. Alcohol in hand, spirits steep, we swung down San Francisco's Castro street. Careening through what was closely three hundred thousand people (according to the news the following day), and haranguing loudly about the most desirable alcohol, we passed our coach, trainer, and some others central to our soccer program. We awkwardly conversed, struggled to appear sober, and then circuited away, cringing that we had practice the following morning and were in a supposedly dry season, not supposed to be accompanied by Jack or The Captain.
February 19th 10:45pm - Amazing Race Application
I assisted two of my friends in composing a three-minute video of themselves as well as answering the thirteen-page written application for The Amazing Race.
A friend and I ambled to Costco to sample the ample selection. 
He called his Race companion (our other friend), who promptly arrived at Costco complete with two cowboy hats and a video camera. I filmed them before shrubbery. My expert camera's viewpoint propagated the impression they were in a backyard in front of trees. Their team name: the Cali Cowboys. Their reasons for desiring to be on The Amazing Race: spreading American pride, being exposed to new people and places, and the ability to sample beer around the world. They wore their cowboy hats and incorporated some deviating dance that included hip thrusting.
He called his Race companion (our other friend), who promptly arrived at Costco complete with two cowboy hats and a video camera. I filmed them before shrubbery. My expert camera's viewpoint propagated the impression they were in a backyard in front of trees. Their team name: the Cali Cowboys. Their reasons for desiring to be on The Amazing Race: spreading American pride, being exposed to new people and places, and the ability to sample beer around the world. They wore their cowboy hats and incorporated some deviating dance that included hip thrusting. Once finished talking after two and a half minutes, they strolled away. The camera trailed them to reveal they were in a Costco warehouse. One of them pointed and mentioned something about curtains before I killed the camera.
In discussing the written portion, we desired to answer the questions below in the following ways. We ultimately refrained and responded in appropriate approaches. But this is what we ruminated:
* What is the biggest disappointment you have experienced from your teammate?
- He's an alcoholic and won't admit it like I will. I feel inferior.
* What type of activities do you like to do with your teammate?
- Wrestling.
* What most scares you about traveling?
- Midgets and gnomes.
- Ghosts and aliens.
- Sober people.
* What is your opinion of foreigners?
- They're no Americans.
* Are you currently taking any medications? If yes, which ones, and why are you taking them?
- Marijuana because I'm diagnosed bipolar.
* Please list any allergies you have:
- Sober people. Babies.
* What is the accomplishment you are most proud of?
- My teammate and I went on a ten-day binge. We may have blacked out nine of the ten days. Maybe ten of ten. I don't remember... I just checked. Neither of us remember.
* Describe your perfect day:
- Morning sex. Breakfast. Sex with breakfast. Sex while fishing. Sex while driving. Sex while listening to country music. Lunch. Sex with lunch foods. Sex while working out. Sex. Dinner. Dessert with sex. Sex under the stars on a perfect night. The ability to maintain sex throughout the day and night.
* Do you belong to any affiliations or organizations?
- National Gun Control. Shoot all aliens.
* What are your phobias?
- Sober people. Priests.
February 17th 11:53pm - My Car Repels My Efforts to Sell
Excluding a sporadic, successive clicking noise, a collapsed CD player, a crippled cigarette lighter, several scratches on the rear of the car, and an abundance of accessory ailments, my Jetta was perfect. And I was selling her.
I did what any proper person would do: I paid an excessive amount to attain a spare key, I replaced the CD player, and arranged an appointment with an auto repair shop to mend the cigarette lighter and excessive clicking the next day.
Then, I jubilantly displayed the car to three parties.
One: a thirty-something man with tattoos snaking around his arms and neck with lengthy black hair that claimed he coveted the car as a commuter vehicle. He ultimately offered me fifteen hundred dollars less than I listed it for.
Two: an early-twenty-something goofy-smile girl who arrived with her brooding boyfriend. I estimate she had forcibly dragged him to view/test-drive thirty-six cars. At least. Her first question: “No heated seats?” Her boyfriend’s last comment, “Jesus, Dorothy, you’re going to kill us. Slow the fuck down.” This was precisely before she sped over a speed bump and the car crashed into the pavement emitting a perceptible protest manifested in multiple moans, one being the car’s.
Three: a sincere Scotsman. His midget-height, massive smile, ample-accent fifty-something self immediately engrossed me. The car’s clicking clamor, normally erratic, never ceased. Scotsman’s decree: I fix the click, he’d purchase the car. My response: I have an appointment tomorrow morning.
That night I drove to my friend’s house for dinner. On my return drive I noticed the Check Engine light illuminated for the first time during ownership of the car. The following morning, upon presenting the Jetta at the shop for the clicking and lighter, they informed me the car needed a new catalytic converter. As I’m a girl and have no concept what that means, I simply know it’s bad. I advised the mechanics to accomplish whatever was necessary. Upon my reappearance hours later, the owner of the shop enlightened me that my airbag light was on. I have never seen this light in my life. I was not aware of its existence. Yet, in twelve hours prior to selling it, the check engine and airbag lights illuminated, neither of which I have seen in my three and a half years of Jetta possession. My car is protesting the sale!
February 16th 11:26pm -Goodwill
In preparation for Mardi Gras in New Orleans, I visited Goodwill to purchase the usual peculiar collections of clothing that at one time in ancient history were actually considered fashion but now construct costumes. Apparently Mardi Gras comprises a series of depraved parades, all of which necessitate costumes.
I was meeting a friend at the store. Instantly upon entering Goodwill a very rotund antique man whose body (and head) resembled enlarged grapes sparkled a smile at me. My immediate reaction, and I hope I'm not alone in this, was to smile back. His toupee roosting on his otherwise bald head jiggled with joviality, his beaver eyebrows jigged, and his grape-belly bounced. His chubby pallid paws motioned from his lips to me. I elevated my own eyebrows, rotated, and treaded in the opposite direction. I text messaged my friend: "Get your ass over here. Crazy round man just propelled air kisses in my direction." She wrote back, "I'm looking for parking. Stop exaggerating." I fled to the opposite side of the store and was browsing through a hideous collection of neon shirts and sweat-suits when another man, this one with white hair jungles breeding from his ears, eyebrows, nose, chin, and all other sustainable surfaces approached me, announcing I looked like Brooke Shields. But better. I appraised myself and adjudicated between my puke-green army jacket, ill-fitting jeans, and oversized black tee-shirt, these maniacal old men were delusional. I texted my friend again, "Seriously. Get here now. Please. Another crazy just told me I look like Brooke Shields." Her response, "Shut the fuck up. You're exaggerating. I'll be there in a second."
She sauntered through the door minutes later to witness my flaming face and Toupee-Grape-Man kissing my hand and grasping it before releasing his vice.
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