Via cell phone, you assure a friend that you are, in fact, sober, and he should assail bars with you in a few hours. While articulating, "No, I am NOT drunk, I," your friend flits to you, bellows, "No talking to sober people who aren't here! Only alcohol!", punches the phone out of your hand, and your flip phone fractures into two pieces on the wood floor.
Showing posts with label You Know Your Life Loathes You When.... Show all posts
Showing posts with label You Know Your Life Loathes You When.... Show all posts
February 27th 11:57pm - Your Life Loathes You When...
You Know Your Life Loathes You When...
You meet a girl and convince her to break up with her boyfriend so you can fly her to Ireland with you for vacation. The first night inebriation transforms you to Hellishly Handsome Ladies Lord of the Dance, you flirt fantastically with another female(s), and Original seizes the first return flight to the U.S., leaving you in the Emerald Isle.
Ladies Lord: college friend
Fatality: flight fare
February 20th 3:48pm - Halloween Happenings
You Know Your Life Loathes You When...
Your coaches and other administrators in the Athletic Department witness you plastered, pitching down a city street wearing Drinking Team shirts and what can only be described as lingerie. 
A few years ago appropriate Halloween costume apparel baffled me and my friends. Until we prepared a plan. We would ornament ourselves in Drinking Team attire. What originated as beer boxers and tank tops with "Drinking Team" across the front, our nicknames and numbers on the back, metamorphosed into tank tops, underwear, and, in a few instances, tights.
Collaboration with Mister Jack and The Captain equated gratification with our whorish ensembles.
Collaboration with Mister Jack and The Captain equated gratification with our whorish ensembles. Alcohol in hand, spirits steep, we swung down San Francisco's Castro street. Careening through what was closely three hundred thousand people (according to the news the following day), and haranguing loudly about the most desirable alcohol, we passed our coach, trainer, and some others central to our soccer program. We awkwardly conversed, struggled to appear sober, and then circuited away, cringing that we had practice the following morning and were in a supposedly dry season, not supposed to be accompanied by Jack or The Captain.
February 14th 5:02pm - Married
You Know Your Life Loathes You When...
In Vegas you marry an unknown on a flip, she intensely pursues an actual relationship with you after you're married, and you acquire an annulment.
Last night I met a law school student who had voyaged to Vegas six months prior for a kickball tournament. After the kickball competitions, the contests between teams developed into drinking rivalries. A female (previously unknown to Law Student) on another kickball team challenged him to Flip Cup. For those of you who have been living under a rock and two hundred feet of mundane life, Flip Cup is the finest game known to alcoholics and college students. My Flip Cup skills are astounding. In college my friends and I dominated so frequently we felt entitled to re-name the game: Flippy Cup. Easier for chanting.
Anyway, if Kickball Female won, she and Law Student would get married. Though the kickball tournament comprised their first encounter, he absolutely agreed. His intoxicated condition during this occurrence doesn’t recall the stipulations if he won, but they are irrelevant, as Kickball Female won on the first flip.
They joined in matrimony at a chic wedding chapel in a casino, applauded by inebriated kickball masterminds. Their post-nuptial jubilation: gliding down a water slide into a pool. The Bride was implausibly clad in a bathing suit under her clothes. The Groom descended the drop in his attire.
The Bride (aka Barmy) later proposed they move in together, as they were legally married.
After money, lawyers, and effort, the muddled Flip Cup marriage of two strangers assumed annulment.
February 12th 6:48pm - Warrant for Arrest?
You Know Your Life Loathes You When...
Today I shuffled through mail compiling at my parent's house over the past few months. What do I stumble across, but a warrant for my arrest, notice date: January 20, 2009. I have no idea what the warrant pertains to. SFPD was so generous as to include a citation number, warrant number, and the date of the violation (August 19, 2008), but not the cause of the violation.
The notice kindly informs me, "Failure to give this notice immediate attention will necessitate compliance with state law, making it mandatory that you be taken into custody."
The only infraction I remember occurring in August was when a cop pulled me over and cited me for a broken side mirror. I repaired it (well, paid professionals to repair it), and sent a letter.
Today I shuffled through mail compiling at my parent's house over the past few months. What do I stumble across, but a warrant for my arrest, notice date: January 20, 2009. I have no idea what the warrant pertains to. SFPD was so generous as to include a citation number, warrant number, and the date of the violation (August 19, 2008), but not the cause of the violation.
The notice kindly informs me, "Failure to give this notice immediate attention will necessitate compliance with state law, making it mandatory that you be taken into custody."
The only infraction I remember occurring in August was when a cop pulled me over and cited me for a broken side mirror. I repaired it (well, paid professionals to repair it), and sent a letter.
Is it possible I have a warrant for my arrest for a fix-it ticket?
February 11th 11am - Graduate?
You Know Your Life Loathes You When...
USC's administration informed my brother he's two units away from graduating because the sailing class he's enrolled in is worthless unit-wise. He had thought it was two units. The class modification interlude has concluded, and instead of graduating in May as planned, he's being told he'll have to wait. After four years and $160k, he'll have to wait.
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