About Me


  • My parents "tried really hard" for five years to get pregnant. Three days before Christmas, my parents returned home from a party. My dad fell asleep. My mom's water broke. When she woke him up to tell him that she was having the baby, he said she wasn't, and to go back to sleep. Hours later, my dad called his sister from the hospital. My aunt assumed because he was calling so late, he'd been arrested. I blazed into the world two hours later, on December twenty-second. My due date was Valentine's Day.

  • In high school, I worked in a hospital. One day, in the OR, I fell asleep while watching an operation. I awoke to the surgeon screaming, "Put him back under! We lost his ball!" The patient's sack was the size of a brain, and his penis the caliber of a nine-month-old's. I looked on the floor for his balls.

  • In college, I worked in USF's Law School, Human Resources, in a senator's office, for a real estate company, and in the university's Admissions Office. My job title: University Ambassador. Aka I gave tours and told drunken stories. No parent ever commended me to my superiors.

  • At the University of San Francisco, I desperately had to pee during a test. The professor said that if I left the classroom during the test, I couldn't come back. I offered for him to go to the bathroom with me, to ensure that I didn't cheat. He declined. I left, peed, and was walking home knowing that I failed the test when I saw the disabilities office. I claimed a "Foreign Language Disability" and the administration waived my two-year foreign language requirement. The specialists weren't aware of the existence of such a condition. In the spare time I garnered from taking one less class, I attended bartending school. I am a certified bartender.

  • I played Division-1 soccer at USF. Around campus, our soccer team was known as the drinking team. My sophomore year, my head coach accused me of being an alcoholic. My response was, "But every time I drink, I drink with my teammates." The next month, our head coach, assistant coach, trainer, and the essentials of the athletic department passed us in the Castro on Halloween. Twenty of my teammates and I adorned shirts that splayed Drinking Team across the front, with our soccer numbers and prostitute numbers on the back. Instead of pants, we wore lacy sex underwear, garters, and knee-high stockings. Our goalie wore prostitute boots.

  • My best friends in college were Fi-Town, Mag, Twat, E, and K-Hoe. They were also my teammates. We repeatedly angered our male assistant coach by screaming Twat on the field in practices and games.

  • I can sleep anywhere. I fell asleep taking the SAT's, the GRE's, and in a one-on-one meeting with a professor my senior year.

  • My senior year at USF, I turned a final paper worth fifty percent of my overall grade in a week and a half late. Two days before the due date, I went to Reno for the weekend with three male friends. During an all-penis pillow fight (I wasn't included), one of the guys picked up my laptop. "You can't hit me, I'm holding a laptop. You can't hit me, I'm holding a laptop," he taunted. A pillow smashed into the laptop, the laptop blasted into the floor, and the screen broke. I hadn't started the paper, but did have notes. That professor was the same one who had to awaken me in our meeting.

  • I have 20/400 vision. This was confirmed by the military in 2009. I went through MEPS, was sworn in, and procured a job as Communications Specialist. I then traveled India for six months while technically a recruit in the Delayed Entry Program. I returned from India, claimed I was pregnant, and quit the military.

  • In 2009 I backpacked through six countries. In 2010 I traveled in the South Pacific and lived in New Zealand for eight months as a bondservant for a family with five children. The kids talked about poos and doodles every day. I wiped the three-year-old's ass.

  • I'm now in grad school, getting an MFA in creative writing. The first week I was in New Orleans, the marshes caught fire. The second week, we got hit by tropical storm Lee. The third week, the friend's house I was staying at got burglarized and everything I had moved with got stolen. It took a week and a half after moving in to my new apartment before we got electricity, two weeks for gas, and three for internet.

* I've been published in inTravel Magazine, BootsnAll.com, Wilderness House Literary Review, Denver Syntax, Blood Lotus Literary Journal, The Battered Suitcase, and the humor anthology People of Few Words.