My parents "tried really hard" for five years to get pregnant. Three days before Christmas, my parents returned home from a party. My dad fell asleep. My mom's water broke. When she woke him up to tell him she was having a baby, he said she wasn't, and to go back to sleep. Hours later, my dad called his sister from the hospital. My aunt assumed because he was calling so late, he'd been arrested. I blazed into the world two hours later, on December twenty-second. My due date was Valentine's Day.
In high school, I worked in a hospital. One day, in the OR, I fell asleep while watching an operation. I awoke to the surgeon screaming, "Put him back under! We lost his balls." The patient's sack was the size of a brain, and his penis the caliber of a nine-month-old's. I looked on the floor for his balls.
In college, I worked in USF's Law School, Human Resources, in a senator's office, for a real estate company, and in the university's Admissions Office. My job title: University Ambassador. Aka I gave tours and told drunken stories. No parents ever commended me to my superiors.
At the University of San Francisco, the administration waived my foreign language two-year requirement because I claimed a "Foreign Language Disability," in the disabilities office one day after I knew I failed a Spanish test. The specialists weren't previously aware of the existence of such a condition. In the spare time I garnered from taking one less class, I attended bartending school. I am a certified bartender.
I played Division-1 soccer at USF. Our soccer team was known as the drinking team on campus. My sophomore year, my head coach accused me of being an alcoholic. My response: "But, every single time I drink, I drink with my teammates." One year, our head coach, assistant coach, trainer, and the essentials of the athletic department passed us in the Castro on Halloween. Twenty of my teammates and I adorned shirts that splayed Drinking Team on the front, with our soccer numbers and prostitute names on the back. Instead of pants, we wore lacy sex underwear, garters, and knee-high stockings.
My best friends in college were Fi-Town, Mag, Twat, E, and K-Hoe. They were also my teammates. We repeatedly angered our male assistant coach by screaming Twat on the field in practices and games.
I can sleep anywhere. I fell asleep taking the SAT's, the GRE's, and in a one-on-one meeting with a professor my senior year.
My senior year at USF, I turned a final paper worth fifty percent of my overall grade in a week and a half late. Two days before the due date, I went to Reno for the weekend with three male friends. During an all-penis pillow fight (I wasn't included), one of the guys picked up my laptop. "You can't hit me, I'm holding a laptop. You can't hit me, I'm holding a laptop," he taunted. A pillow connected with the laptop, which blasted to the floor, breaking the screen. I hadn't started the paper, but did have notes. That professor was the one who had to awaken me in our meeting.
I have 20/400 vision. This was confirmed by the military last year. I went through MEPS, was sworn in, and procured a job as Communications Specialist. I then traveled India for six months while technically a recruit in the Delayed Entry Program, returned from India, and quit the military.
In 2009 I backpacked through six countries. In 2010 I traveled in the South Pacific and lived in New Zealand for eight months as a bondservant for a family with five children. The kids talked about poos and doodles every day. I wiped the three-year-old's ass.
* I've been published in inTravel Magazine, BootsnAll.com, Wilderness House Literary Review, Denver Syntax, and Blood Lotus Literary Journal, among others. I have two forthcoming print publications in the summer of 2011, in The Battered Suitcase and the humor anthology People of Few Words.