You awake in an unknown house and appear to have been violated by a 13.5 ton African Bush Elephant (see text messages I received below):
SP: "My first night back drinking resulted in me waking up in a random house on the couch in my boxers with a broken hand and my right eyebrow a gash."
SP: "I think I fought a brick wall. I seem to dislike those when I'm drunk."
Me: "Or maybe a tree or parked car? One of my friends tends to get angry at those when she's drunk."
SP: "My love for milk has saved me again as after two rounds of x-rays the docs still can't find a fracture. They are in such disbelief that I have to return for more x-rays in a few days."
Me: "You are Super MilkMan. Milk deserves a medal."