January 6th 2011 10:40am - NYE 2011 Vegas Quotebook

Sinner: "Every girl I've ever seen, I've considered sticking my weiner in her."

Parrot: "I feel like sex with T-Rex always ends with an apology."

Pakistan: "Smell this. It smells awesome."

Me: "Mmmm, cinnamon."

Parrot (smells it): "Is this chewing tobacco?"

Pakistan: "It's soap!"

Pakistan: "Even those children Parrot was working with were attractive."

*Note: kids were 8-17 years old*

Ass-Flash: "No wonder you were telling me yesterday that the sex registry is a bad idea."

Sinner: "The fact that I know where I am is good."

T-Rex (singing): "And then I go agh ungh agh agh ungh (with pelvic thrust) in her va-jay-jay."

Sinner: "Exact quote from the girl I'm texting: 'I'm not gonna lie, I made out with three guys last night.' Oh, and her name's Candy."

T-Rex: "I need to find a girl with low self-esteem that will let me stick my pee-pee in her mouth."

Me: "Kissing is easy, you just have to rape a girl's mouth."

T-Rex: "If I was gonna rape a girl's mouth it wouldn't be with my mouth."

Sinner: "A lot of girls say things that T-Rex might say, they just say it a lot less."

T-Rex: "You should hear the stuff I don't say. You're hearing the censored shit."

Sinner: "If girls like wrinkled shirts and weird neck hair, I'm in."

Sinner: "She wasn't great. She wasn't good."

T-Rex: "I think I'm going to lower my standards tonight."

Delight: "Tell me what that means so I can stop you from doing anything you'll regret."

T-Rex: "No one with a dick."

November 13th, 2010 11:08pm - Quotebook

* Three-year-old: "My big sister used to be a boy."

* Three-year-old: "Kara, do you love me?"

Me: "Of course I love you!"

Three-year-old: "Is it because I can do cool things? Or because I can tackle my big brother? I can make him cry like a baby."

* Five-year-old (to a friend's mom): "No, I can't have more than two marshmallows. I don't want to get diabetes."

* Three-year-old: "I was the winner!" I got craps in my hands!"

(Trying to say people clapped his hands for being the best tackler)

* Five-year-old: "I am NOT getting in the car. It stinks so bad. I'm not getting in."

Three-year-old: "I've been dreaming about the car."

* Me: "Oh no, you tripped over a rock and hit your chin?"

Five-year-old: "No, my chin hit a rock by itself."

* Three-year-old: "My foot is cold! My foot is cold!"

Me: "Your one foot?"

Three-year-old: "Yes, my one foot is cold."

(Crying five minutes later): "My foot is getting harder. I don't like my foot."

* Five-year-old: "Why do people have skin?"

Nine-year-old: "So nothing falls out."

Five-year-old: "You mean your intestines could fall out? Or like a bird?"

* Three-year-old: "There are no people outside. It must be raining."

(It wasn't raining)

* Five-year-old: "Look, the sky is cracked."

* Me: "Stop kissing my feet!"

Three-year-old: "Why?"

Me: "Because kissing feet is gross."

Three-year-old: "No, it's wonderful."

August 17th, 2010 4:38pm - Quotebook: Five Kids

* Seven-year-old: "Kara, why do you have little hairs under your arms?"

Me: "Because I apparently need to shave."

Seven-year-old: "Why do you have hair on your face?"

Me: "Because I'm a woman!"

Seven-year-old: "I thought only men were hairy."

Me: "Yes, well, I'm hairy too."

* Me (to the three-year-old): "How'd you sleep last night? I hope you slept well for your first day of kindy!"

Three-year-old: "I didn't sleep last night. There were bears in the street. I saw them."

Me: "Baby, there aren't bears in New Zealand."

* Three-year-old: "Mum, teeth are like raisons."

The mom: "Teeth are like raisons? That's what you said?"

Three-year-old: "Yes, they're small and little and go in your mouth."

* Three-year-old: "My doodle can play tricks!"

* Five-year-old: "Kara, when the baby's grown up, you should marry him."

Me: "Oh, hunny, he's too young for me."

Five-year-old: "Then you should marry my older brother. He's nine."

Nine-year-old: "We can't get married, stupid. People who are related have messed up babies."

* The mom (to the three-year-old): "Don't do wees standing up!"

Three-year-old: "I'm sorry, I did standing up wees."

(Pee everywhere)

The mom: "You're not big enough to do standing up wees."

Three-year-old: "My doodle's tiny."

The mom: "Yes, Daddy says you have to wait until your doodle's longer before you do standing up wees."

* Seven-year-old: "I'm going to travel around the world and then go to California and find a man."

* Seven-year-old: "I don't want Mummy to be a grandma."

Me: "Why's that?"

Seven-year-old: "I don't want her to have wrinkles."

* Three-year-old (grabs my crotch): "Kara, do you have a doodle?"

Me: "No, no, we've been over this. Boys have doodles. Girls don't."

Three-year-old: "Mummy has a doodle."

Me: "No, your mummy doesn't have a doodle. Your daddy does."

Three-year-old: "Mummy's doodle is growing. I saw it."

* Nine-year-old: "Do you know dentists?"

Me: "Yes, I know dentists."

Nine-year-old: "I don't think I could be a dentist."

Me: "Why not?"

Nine-year-old: "I don't like teeth. I'd vomit in people's mouths."

* Three-year-old: "I love you and I love my toast."

* Three-year-old: "When I'm nine, I'll be a real man with a real guitar."

* Me: "What do you want to do this afternoon?"

Three-year-old: "Touch a cloud."

* Three-year-old: "I don't like my baby's hair like that."

Me: "What do you want his hair to be like?"

Three-year-old: "To be handsome like mine."

March 21st 5:23pm - Quotebook: Five Kids

* 5-year-old: "I saw an Egyptian mummy and daddy today!"

She thought the mummy at the museum was a mommy, not a corpse.

* 5-year-old (on a plane from the south island to the north island): "We're going back to New Zealand!"

Me: "Hunny, we're actually still in New Zealand, we're just in the south island."

5-year-old: "But we're going back to the real New Zealand!"

* 3-year-old: "Poos come out of the baby's belly button."

* 5-year-old: "I know why you can see."

Me: "Why's that?"

5-year-old: "Because you have eyes!"

* 3-year-old: "I have a butthole."

* Me: "What's the name of a girl you like? What should we name the princess?"

3-year-old: "Mummy."

Me: "Okay. Princess Mummy."

*3-year-old (bending over while I wipe his ass): "There's a bubble! There's a bubble!"

Me: "Where's a bubble?"

3-year-old: "Behind my doodle."

Me: "Those are balls!"

The mom (five minutes later after I've recounted the conversation): "Baby, where's your bubble?"

3-year-old: "In my pants!"

* 5-year-old: "You become a lawyer by pooing on your teacher's face."

*3-year-old (prodding my breasts): "You don't have milk. Mummy has milk."

* 5-year-old: "I found a hair clip at school today! It's in me."

* 5-year-old (wanting to go to her big sister's birthday party): "I'm going to be good on the bus today. I'm going to keep my tongue in my mouth, my hitting arm by my side, and my head-butting head to myself."

* 5-year-old: "I forgot to take off my undies when my class went swimming today. I wore my undies swimming."

* 5-year-old: "It's not good to breathe out or drive. It causes pollution. Tell your adult friends not to exhale or drive."

* 5-year-old (to the four-month-old): "You are such a pain in the ass."

* Me: "I'm going north for the weekend."

5-year-old: "Are you going to the North Pole or North America?"

Me: "No no, just four hours north of here."

*Me (after the three-year-old stamped his four-month-old brother on the forehead and belly with a dinosaur stamp): "You can't stamp your brother!"

3-year-old: "But he looks pretty."

January 5th 4:15pm - Las Vegas 2010 Quotebook #2

New Years 2010. We did Vegas. Again.

Stripper to Ass-Flash: "You look like a paraplegic bartender. I call them Shorty."

Parrot: "Where'd this come from? And why is it in the bed? It looks like a mustache."

Me: "Oh, that must be from the gorilla suit I wore last night."

Parrot: "If I post this picture on Facebook, all my gay guy friends will go nuts."

Me: "You guys, Ryan saved Stripper!"

New Bryan with an I: "My name's not Ryan. It's Brian."

Me: "You guys, Ryan carried Stripper up here!"

New Bryan with an I: "My name's Brian."

Me: "Ya. Thanks Ryan."

New Bryan with an I: "Don't worry, I'll bring her back in one piece."

Murph: "We're not too worried about that."

New Bryan with an I: "Is Stripper still breathing?"

Murph: "Don't worry, this is normal for us."

Natty Light: "I'm allergic to alcohol now."

Murph: "I'd fucking love a hard woody right now."

T-Rex: "I hate natural light. It really upsets me."

Murph: "Hey, where you at?"

Ass-Flash: "Drinking."

Murph: "Where in the casino are you?"

Ass-Flash: "Fun Bar."

Murph: "Where in the casino are you drinking at?"

Ass-Flash: "y a ti."

Me: "Hey, where are you guys?"

Ash-Flash: "The best bar in the world."

Me: "And where's that?"

Ash-Flash: "The world famous party bar."

Me: "I hate you."

T-Rex: "I need to go to Euro to meet more Aussies."

T-Rex: "Dude, you're a one-trick pony."

T-Rex: "I want to go overseas. Kara, how do I do that?"

Me: "Not an option. They wouldn't let you overseas."

T-Rex: "The blonde Swede from Australia took my belt off and whipped me with it last night."

T-Rex (after hooking up for twenty minutes in one of the rooms): "Is someone in here?"

J: "Yes. Can you guys please go somewhere else?"

T-Rex: "Earmuffs. Earmuffs."

Natty Light: "In what state is it legal to leave a hotel room like this?"

Me: "Las Vegas?"

January 4th 10:00am - Las Vegas 2010 Quotebook #1

New Years 2010: We did Vegas. Again.

T-Rex: "She was a really nice girl. We're going to fuck tomorrow. Her name's Salina."

J: "Isn't her name Sonia?"

Parrot: "There were five of us in that room last night. Captain Morgan was one of the people."

Natty Light to LSU: "Is it okay with you if I feel up your girlfriend before her breast reduction?"

Me: "Dude, you look ripped! Take off your shirt."

Stripper (strips): "Okay."

Parrot: "Your pectorails are amazing!"

Me: "Pectorials? Is that code for pectorals?"

Stripper: "I've seen a lot of fucked-up shit, but last night a guy puked, pissed, and then whacked off in the living room in front of people."

Pakistan: "I was going to take the girls out to a strip club last night. And I was going to fuck her. But I was feeling tired."

Pakistan (playing a drinking game called land-mines): "Oh my god. I'm still perfect."

Big Boobs McGee: "Get me a water. Get me a water. Get me a water."

(One hour later): Big Boobs McGee: "Get me a water and I'll give you a blow-job."

LSU (sprints out of room and two doors down): "Done."

Pakistan: "Let's get the topless party started now."

Parrot: "I'm not wearing a bra."

Me: "I'm wearing see-through Scotch tape over my nipples, which is even more awkward."

Big Boobs McGee: "Did you flush the toilet?"

Pakistan: "I'm not a barbarian."

Natty Light: "It's fine, he just peed in the sink. No need to flush."

Stripper: "I've peed in more sinks that I don't remember than I do remember."

Natty Light: "It's 4:30pm, why're you going to dinner?"

Woody: "I eat when I'm hungry, I drink when I'm thirsty, and I gamble when I'm bored."

T-Rex: "Where did they find me I feel?"

Stripper (after shaving Pantsless's head): "How is there hair on the toilet seat?"

Me: "I just drank hair out of my cup."

T-Rex (After Stripper whipped out his switchblade): "Wow. That's cool. I want to play with that when I'm drunk later."

T-Rex: "My noodle's throbbing."

T-Rex (To Baby Bear, who woke up wearing a wife beater, sweatpants, and no shoes): "Why the hell are you so dressed up right now?!"

Stripper (dancing, swaying hips): "What you guys don't know is that my balls are making contact with my legs. Left to right, left to right.

Me: "I wish that I had a penis so while I swayed I could feel it on my legs."

Stripper: "It's like a wrecking ball in here."

July 5th 11:47am - Day of Independence Quotebook

I squandered my 4th of July in Sacramento with a multitude of male friends. Our conversations were as comical as the time I ran into my aunt's sliding glass door, fell down, and peed my pants.

* Boozy (after Blacked Out rubbed Boozy's leg): "Stop, you're making me question my sexuality!"

Blacked Out: "Your mind tells you no but your body says yes?"

*Tikky: "He got lucky."

Blacked Out: "Oh, no. I work out."

* Tikky: "'All you can eat' are the best three words."

Drinky: "That's four words."

* Blacked Out to Boozy: "Hey, what would you do if a guy tried to rape you?"

Boozy: "I'd rape him right back."

Blacked Out: Wouldn't that make you gay?

*Drunkard: "Weren't we talking about him recently? Isn't he pregnant?"

* Me: "Do you know Corey? He went to college there."

Drinky: "No. But I know someone named Corey Ubalde. He died from blowing his nose."

* Tikky: "Balls always hit me in the head."

* Drinky: "My hair is finally growing to the right side of my chest!"

* Boozy: "I don't motorboat boobs. I motorboat vaginas."

* Drinky: "How sad is that? You go from being on top of the world with some hot chick to being a twenty-year-old with jiz in his pants who has to change his underwear."

* Boozy: "I had a record amount of wet dreams. I contemplated putting a sock on my cock."

(a minute later - still Boozy): "I used to jiz in my pants like three times a night. I kind of miss it."

June 19th 11:04am - Quotes

My friends amuse me as much as the wall amuses my cat. 

He ogles the wall like it's a female feline.

* "Last night I played with balls and ate nuts." 

"Does your ass hurt again?"

* So I stalked this guy's calendar that I have a crush on at work. Tomorrow night we're going to the bar his calendar tells him to be at!"

"So his calendar is telling us where to go too? I don't like when other people's calendars tell me where to go."

* "I came home this morning to a hunter safety class being taught in my garage. Kinda sad, but it's a totally normal day."

* "I like to wear cowboy hats, shoot guns and listen to country music."

"You just rarely hear anybody say that in L.A.! I should come home more often." 

"That's because L.A. is fake blonde hair, fake skin color, fake muscles, and fake people. Everyone wants to be an actor and everyone works as a waiter because they can't get acting jobs. Nor Cal has real people."

* "Kara, what happened last night? I don't have my car or car keys, my debit card, or one of my shoes."

"I think I have your car keys, but your car is across town. Your debit card is probably at one of the three bars we went to... and you texted me last night to say you found your shoe in the bathtub. Look there first!"

* "In my next life, I want to be a cat. Cats are so flexible they can lick their own balls."

"They also cough up hair-balls." 

"I wonder how often the hair-balls are from the hair on their balls."

* I don't have any money. So I'm selling the furniture in the house. Today I put my mom's bed up for sale on Craigslist." 

March 23rd 11:53pm - Peru Quotebook

Peruvian Quotebook: First three days of my traveling companion´s Spring Break: Pisco, alcohol consumption, whorehouses, lifeless brain incapable of producing simple thought processes, including speech:
SP: (staggering in to the room at 6:30am, having disappeared at 3am in a beer-exploration): ¨I saw the biggest nipples ever! They were on a hot prostitute in an Asian mafia-run whorehouse where they were all on Heroin!¨

SP: ¨I don´t know what´s happening right now.¨

K: ¨We don´t have to go parasailing if you don´t want to since you feel like you´re going to puke and all.¨

SP: ¨The only difference between me being hung over and not is that I´m not drunk right now. We are going parasailing for sure.¨

SP: ¨I don´t remember anything from the first half of the trip. Nothing... Maybe a prostitue´s nipples.

¨K: ¨You spent 100% of the first half of the trip either drunk or dead.¨

SP: ¨The first half of the trip was the closest I´ve ever been to death. I puked out of a Peruvian cab on the drive to the airport!¨

K: ¨If our other friends were here, you´d be dead right now.¨
SP: ¨If our other friends were here right now, I´d be drunk. I´d be dead two days from now.¨

February 24th 2:53pm - New Orleans Mardi Gras 2009 Quotebook

K: "You can see all the titties you want. During Mardi Gras they flow like wine."

F: "I'm really confused about my feelings inside."

K: "I want to cut off both my legs right now. Just for a little bit. So I can't feel them."

M: "Their mac and cheese sucks. I'll probably get it anyway."

B: "I knew I didn't belong in Arkansas when I saw a six-year-old in overalls standing on a truck aiming a gun at me."

F: "I want to get a tattoo. Either skull and crossbones on my neck, a kiss mark on my ass, or a face that's half my boyfriend's face and half Lil Wayne's." 

F (reaction to King Cake): "I'm going to start putting babies everywhere.

Oh, you found a baby? You have to do my laundry."

K: "She has earrings with baby Jesus on them.

Maggie, I'm going to get you tittie tassels with baby Jesus on them. 

Sinner!"

MN: "But you're a girl. Your sweat smells like sugar and tears. I have man sweat. Man sweat smells like wood and steel."

S: "I fell in love with two girls walking down the street. She's gorgeous and my wife."

K: "His friend is less fun than AIDS. She brought nothing but her vagina and she only shared it with one stranger. What a prude."

Stranger in the park approached a group of us, announcing: "You can suck my dick. My sperm everywhere!"

SR: "I can't take you seriously. You have huge balls and a feather boa."

January 27th 8:35am - LV Quotebook

SP: "Did you spill beer on me last night?"
K: "No, you spilled beer on me."

SP: "I know by experience I should pee in toilets."

SP: "No officer, I'm not trying to drive anywhere. I'm just trying to walk."


SP: "I've had massages at the Airport Club... it's kind of weird having a co-worker play around with your butt."

SP: "I just want to put my money in everything!"
(five minutes later): "I want to put more money in more things!"

SP: "What the fuck is in my ass?"

K: "I'm drunk. I may flirt with little kids. I'm obsessed with them."
SP: "Really?"
K: "Yes. I love them."
SP: "So you had sex with little kids?"
K: "What?? No!"

M (a man): "I don't check out guys. I comment when they're pretty."

January 4th 11:28pm - Las Vegas Round 2 Quotebook #3

J: "I'd go up to 50. There are hot 50-year-olds."
SP: "I feel like for anything we could do, we could find a cougar to do it too."
J: "There are some raunchy cougars."

N: "I don't want to eat that much if I'm going to be drinking. I don't want to be bloated all night."
A: "I've never heard a guy talk about being bloated before."

SP: "I almost puked in my mouth just thinking about tonight."

S: "When we first met her she was this sweet girl, and then she got drunk and started throwing wieners out left and right."

S: "When I met them I thought they were quasi-attractive. Then I got drunk and they were models and I was God.
Then before you know it one of the models was getting wheel-chaired up to her room because she was too drunk to walk."

KY (girlfriend straddling one of his friends and asked if okay with it): "Ya. I did that to her last night. But naked."

W (After drunkenly paying $40 for a buffet he wasn't hungry for): "Someone needs to escort me. I don't know where to get food."

W (making an awful face for the seventh time at the buffet): I keep eating horseradish thinking it's mashed potatoes."

W: "I think I just drooled on myself."
K: "You did."
W: "You saw that?"
K: "No, I heard it."
W: "I thought drool was like lightening. You can't hear it."

W: "I wish I was like Scott and could puke and start all over."

SP: "Scotty P. likes to shoot things and rope things in cowboy hats. Who doesn't like that?"


SP: "I was a little caught off guard by the $7 7-ounce water at the strip club."

W: "You can never get enough motorboats."

KY: "I'm going to get a tattoo. 'Only God can judge me' across my chest."

January 3rd 4:42pm - Las Vegas Round 2 Quotebook #2

SP: "Oh. WOW. My ass is sore."
K: "AND your inner thighs?"


SP (before the stripper arrived): "I need to change into jeans because I'm going to get a boner."

B: "I just told her she rubbed her titties all over me."

K: "Taylor Swift is really tall and really skinny."
B: "Ah, that's ok. I still think she's hot."
SP: "Ya, I mean, she's not short and plump or anything, but she's still hot."

B: "My knees hurt, and I can't figure out why."
SP: "My ass hurts, and I don't know why.
Well, and my inner thighs and my jaw."
B: "I got blacked-out drunk last night."
SP: "Me too!"

B: "Did you just soak your fork in saliva and dip it in my food?"

Vons Cashier Woman (to Scotty): "Don't you love your Blackberry?"
SP: "Yes. I write memos every time I have thoughts."
SP (later): "I need to stop thinking. I just need to get blacked out."

K: "My life hates me."
SP: "My body hates me, my life thinks I'm fantastic."

KY: "Last year I woke up in a twin bed with Steve and Mark."

J: "I had just met Mark and he asked to caress my hand so he could pretend it was Talia's."

J: "After Mark punched me I had to be held back by my friends. It was a white flash of rage."

A: "I was so disgusted by the cougar I wanted to punch her in the head."

January 2nd 5:35pm - Las Vegas Round 2 Quotebook #1

S: "She's crazy. She actually likes me. I was blacked out, known her two weeks, told her I loved her."

K: "I want to blink and be showered, drunk, and ready to go."
J: "No butter time than now."

S: "Is that our house with all the Christmas decorations?"
SP: "If it is they'll all be molested and destroyed."

B: "I love being human. Humans are the best species, they're so smart."

M: "Kyle, you look like a hot chick."

N: "Did you ever hear about the Vodka-soaked tampon method? Shove a Vodka tampon up your ass and you get drunk because it skips the large intestine digestive tract."
Girls: "You'd never be able to shove a soaked tampon anywhere."
E: "Well, weirder things have been shoved up asses before. Live gerbils feel good."
J: "You should soak a gerbil in Vodka and then shove it up your ass."

KY: "The first time I realized Scotty was crazy, we were camping and saw a real cougar across the river. Scott chased after it with a bat."

N: "Bobby-style is male rape."
E: "Bobby-style is bro rape."

S: "If we're riding mechanical bulls tonight, I need to change into tighter pants."

September 15th 10:58pm - College Quotebook Continued

Once again, compliments of my fabulous friends:

- “Today I learned how to make duck calling sounds with my hands. I could be a millionaire in the hunting industry.”

-“We live for the nights we can’t remember with the friends we’ll never forget.”


-"Your mattress is in the hallway again.
“Oh no, that was my New Year’s resolution!”

- (Two females): “I don’t know why, but all the weirdos are attracted to me!”
“At least you attract weird guys. I attract weird girls.”

- “If he were an animal, he’d be a kitten.”
Kara: “And what animal would you be?”
“I’d be a white tiger. Because I’m vicious and I’m beautiful.”

- “Tell that guy to give you your glasses back so he doesn’t take them.”
(Rising from the dead): “Give them back, you didn’t even eat me out!”

- “Canada has the second biggest Chinatown in the United States.”

- “I don’t like balls. They’re concave.”

- “Who used my nipple hair conditioner?”

- “My motto: blacked out, eat me out.”

-“These 5 inch heels never gave me blisters until I ran four miles in them.”

-“My motto: I like ‘em young and hung.”

-“Happy almost Cuatro de Mayo anniversary (referring to last year’s quarto de Mayo molestation).
“Thanks. I’m buying her a muzzle.”

- (Heckling #9 on the Davis baseball team): “Hey #9, your mom like Iams or Pedigree?”
“Iams – for a healthier coat.”

- “Can you pass the Jujuboobs?”

- “I thought you were supposed to call me you slank!”

- “...Let me introduce! Sush and the samwiches! Sush, tell them about the samwich maker!”
Sasha: “All I saying is the samwich sush maker is a square... and my house the samwich maker... the samwiches and the square and the samwich maker!”

- (Halloween) -“Oh, look, it’s Shrek!”
The Hulk: “You single-handedly ruined my night, I’m the Hulk.”

-“Osama, I love you more than dirt!” I love you more than Jesus loves dirt and Jesus really loves dirt!” (One of our friends was dressed up as Osama Bin Laden for Halloween)

-“Pretty people...”
“Pretty people what?”
“Speak good.”

- “Here’s to being single, seeing double, and sleeping triple.”

- “Stop smoking booze.”

- (Talking about going to a party): “Yeah, I coughed up blood last night so I don’t think I’m gonna come.”

- “Hey you big dog. I’m hammered. Let’s get mammered!”

- (Leaving voicemail for a friend): “Hey – we just wanted to... hey! Get your ginormous cowboy hat out of my eye!”

September 12th 10pm - College Quotebook Continued

* “Good news, bad news.
Good news: I look hot.
Bad news: I’m drunk.”

* (Drunk girl dragging a very religious boy into the bathroom the night she molested him): “I’m going to give you the best five minutes of your life.”

*(On how, while observing a knee operation Hot Doctor squirted her with blood and pus from the patient’s knee): “He squirted me with blood. We are forever connected.”

* “Tell everyone to pee on my face if I pass out by 9.”

* “Does anyone have any tweezers? There’s a few toe hairs I need to take care of.”

* “You know you’re an alcoholic when you think about having kids just so you don’t get carded.”

* “I feel like every time we say we aren’t going to drink much, we get trashed.”

“I feel like every time we say we’re going to get drunk we end up getting trashed.”
“Maybe we’re alcoholics.”

* “She's sweating!”
“Your vagina smells.”
“At least I got laid.”


* “Does anyone want to go to an art showcase with me tonight?”
"I’d rather stare at a wall.”

* “Usually soccer has taken out the frustrations of life. Now, I use life to take out the frustrations of soccer.”

* "He looks like Ben Affleck with down syndrome.”

* “My nipples tell me I’m cold but I really don’t think I am!”

* (One of our friends completely hung over looking like he just got run over by a semi): “I look pretty.”

* “I hate dirty little midgets.”

*“What a sweet release.”

* (Compliments of one of our friends - mostly in reference to beer pong):
“How unlucky are my bounces.”
“God you’re ugly.”
“God gave me a gift. He said, ‘Drink.’ I said ‘okay’”.
“I am so superior.”
“You’re not even good.”
“Try looking at yourself and playing.”
“I love myself.”
“At least I have post-up moves.”
Go throw it in Daddy’s cup.”
“God I’m beautiful.”
“What a tender toss.”
“You’re a sober player.”
“God you’re hideous, how do you sleep at night?”

* (Looking in a sink at Kell’s): “Someone lost a lot of make-up.”
"That’s puke.”

September 11th 7:45pm - College Quotebook Excerpt

Freshman year of college my friends and I started The Quotebook. i.e. absoulutely ridiculous, hilarious, why-in-god's-name-would-you-ever-say-that. And it ensues: compliments of my friends (and a very few are from me):

* “They didn’t give us the smart genes damnit, but they gave us the cool ones!”

“How are you chugging so fast?”
- “Because I’m a boy!”
- “But if I’m a boy... then Q's a man.”
Q: “I’m not a man, I’m a gorilla.”

* “You know soccer has taken over your life when the field is in your beer.”

* "You have the coolest light. It looks like a really hard nipple.”

* “I need a locater for my life.”

*“Whales have the largest penises...
“No, elephants do...”
“No, wait, what are those black things... Africans.”

* “You guys are such cute little muffins. I could just bake you at 375 degrees.”

* “You’re just tipsy? You’re a better man than I.” (girl speaking to girl).

* “Oh we have to kneel? Is this the Japanese league?” (playing a drinking game while kneeling)

* “When I get drunk I like to touch things with my mouth.”

* “Just put it in your mouth and let it go down and you’ll be fine.”

* “What? Jail? Well, maybe I had a sip.”

* “I’m gonna wear jeans, but only because all my sweats are dirty.”

* (After someone farted): “It smells like someone just ate a rat and then farted it out.”

* “My boobs are bigger than Kara’s. At least I got that going for me!”

* (About starting her period on Valentine’s Day): “God must hate me.”

* (On Valentine’s Day - another friend): “God must be single.”

* “Tequila, the water of Mexico.”

* "For your graduation present, we’re gonna put Kara in a cake and she’s gonna pop out with only duct tape on.”

* “Size doesn’t matter... at least to Kara. Ask her!”

* “Ya, he liked my big toes.”
- “...And that’s why we don’t talk to him anymore.”

* (About spending money to straighten her hair and it got ruined because she went on a Slip-n-Slide inside a house’s hallway): “A well-spent $200, huh?”

* “I have really cute nipples!” (and then she proceeded to flash the roomful of people).

August 25th 10:57pm - Vas Legas Quotebook- Conclusion

S: “I’m so useless right now I couldn’t give a speech to anyone about anything. I couldn’t even tell little kids about blocks.”

J: “The house always wins!”

S: “Why don’t they have casinos everywhere?”
J: “Because you can’t tempt people to ruin their lives every day.”

K: “The greatest trick the devil ever played was convincing the world he didn’t exist.”

M: “I’ve discovered hats are like bras. You can stick shit in them. Lke keys and money and shit.”

S: “We discovered if Joel was a drag queen his name would be Princess Abigail.”

August 23rd 8:45am - Vas Legas Quotebook Part I

Not only did we keep a You Know You're Drunk When section, we also kept a Quotebook on this fabulous extravaganza that comprised our New Years trip to Vegas...

J: "You cannot manipulate the ocean Steve"

S: "If I bring home a midget, I automatically win."
K: "I haven't seen a midget yet in Vegas."
H: "You think they'd be everywhere here."
S: "They're all at midget conventions."
KY: "They're like collectibles. You have to collect them all."
KY (five minutes later): "Midgets are like Pokemon. You've gotta catch them all."

S: "I call drunk people Diggy."

KY: "People need phone numbers more than Jesus."

S: "I got in the back of the neighbor's car, ate their food, smoked their weed, and used one of their sweatshirts as a blanket."

J: "I lost $25 on the penny slots. How is that possible?"

J: "I walked in on N and E humping. He was giving it to her N style" (in reality they were asleep when he walked in).

J: "I didn't like kissing her because her stubbly mustache got in the way."

B: "The dealer told me I look like Macy Gray."
E: "Isn't she really ugly?"

KT: "Marisa won a triathalon."
H: "In the Congo?"
(what???)

KY: "They went to town on my crotch."