February 28th 11:23pm - Unemployed

As my company laid off me and multiple others in my Development Team a month and a half ago, to collect the exquisite and heavenly unemployment, The Government insists I apply for five jobs a week in attempts to obtain a position. Unemployment is like an ejaculation of elation in check form. I positively don't desire any real job for the next couple of months, thus I apply to positions with this response rubric:

Job Posting:

Title: Administrative Rockstar

Do you like good food, working with smart people and participating with world class organizations? Do you like to accomplish tasks at a high level and make the world a happier tastier place? Do have great attention to detail, a fantastic memory and the ability to get along with most people? If so, Dave's Gourmet has a career for you. 

Etc. Etc.

Reply:

To Mr. Dave Gourmet,

Attached please find my resume. I am an Admin SUPERSTAR. 

My Super-Hero Admin qualities: 

* Ability to commence and complete ten thousand seven hundred and fifty-eight tasks within 6  seconds

* The faculty to form a feast from anything, including paper and other like office supplies

* The memory capacity of God

* Ghandi's social skills

Thank you for your consideration in this position! I look forward to hearing from you soon... unless, of course, the God of All Administrative Assistants applies, in which case if I were you I'd most likely bestow the position on him/her... presumably Her.

Sincerely,

Admin Superstar