April 5th, 2013: Happenings and Realizations in the Last Twenty Months:

  • I (and a plethora of adults) have an affinity for games (kickball, dodgeball) at which toddlers and prepubescents excel.

  • Double-checking airport destinations when flying separately into a country is as necessary as packing underwear. If the slightly problematic situation transpires where friends fly into the exact opposite side of the country, it’s miraculously helpful if the country is tiny. 

  • I realize with disturbing clarity that I am not young. I can interpret the mumblings and ecstatic shrieks of a two-year-old more readily than the average sentence from a fourteen-year-old. An article I recently read entitled: “Slang Words: What Kids Are Saying These Days” confirmed my suspicions that I know nothing. 

  • Life is challenging, particularly when the friend’s house I was temporarily staying at got burglarized and everything I moved across the country with was stolen. In a terrific series of continued devastation, my phone, license, and debit card followed into the abyss of items expertly removed from my possession.

  • It is ill-advised to sign a rental deposit check at 3am in a marvelous moment of inebriation and hand it to the bartender that I found on Craigslist. This asinine decision is made more evident when I learn that said bartender is on antidepressant medication.

  • My boyfriend and cops do not share a harmonious mutual existence. The same goes for my boyfriend and petite women who physically and verbally attack him. It’s exceptionally confusing, as he’s a two hundred and seventy pound teddy bear man.

  • When the teddy bear powerhouse that is my boyfriend and his charmingly lanky childhood friend get into a “Dog Shit Taco” fight in a tender display of everlasting love, the friend’s shoulders and biceps inevitably bloom into a montage of bruises.

  • Asking bartenders for drugs in Los Cabos, Mexico, is not nearly as fruitful as asking a man serving food at an open-air eatery in the Dominican Republic. 

  • Devouring exorbitant supplies of shrooms will constitute a journey, whether looking into the mirror, staring at the bathroom floor, eyeballing a panoramic photo of a beach, or peering into a man’s unibrow vividly and unexpectedly captured on the 59-inch television screen. The unibrow held the secrets of the world. 

  • If anyone is spectacularly drunk, has demonstrated the inability to walk, and announces with passionate certainty the imminent need to vomit, do not put them inside a car or moving vehicle of any sort.

  • When scuba diving in a developing country, a hole and air trickling out of a BCD coupled with a fissure in the connection between the regulator and air tank (also resulting in the loss of air) could be a deterrent. It could also spawn a stupendous exploration of the ocean. 

  • The endless possibilities that emerge from devouring countless shots of Jager and then standing on the beach include: 1: wave tackling. 2: losing car keys. 3: waking up naked in the passenger seat of a car to the undulations of the voices of small children. 4: going to a hospital on the 4th of July to acquire steroids for the radiating poison ivy afflicting overwhelming percentages of surface skin.

  • It is actually possible to survive for several days on nothing but the nutritious yield of New Orleans crawfish boils. 

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