- “Today I learned how to make duck calling sounds with my hands. I could be a millionaire in the hunting industry.”
-“We live for the nights we can’t remember with the friends we’ll never forget.”
-"Your mattress is in the hallway again.
“Oh no, that was my New Year’s resolution!”
- (Two females): “I don’t know why, but all the weirdos are attracted to me!”
“At least you attract weird guys. I attract weird girls.”
- “If he were an animal, he’d be a kitten.”
Kara: “And what animal would you be?”
“I’d be a white tiger. Because I’m vicious and I’m beautiful.”
- “Tell that guy to give you your glasses back so he doesn’t take them.”
(Rising from the dead): “Give them back, you didn’t even eat me out!”
- “Canada has the second biggest Chinatown in the United States.”
- “I don’t like balls. They’re concave.”
- “Who used my nipple hair conditioner?”
- “My motto: blacked out, eat me out.”
-“These 5 inch heels never gave me blisters until I ran four miles in them.”
-“My motto: I like ‘em young and hung.”
-“Happy almost Cuatro de Mayo anniversary (referring to last year’s quarto de Mayo molestation).
“Thanks. I’m buying her a muzzle.”
- (Heckling #9 on the Davis baseball team): “Hey #9, your mom like Iams or Pedigree?”
“Iams – for a healthier coat.”
- “Can you pass the Jujuboobs?”
- “I thought you were supposed to call me you slank!”
- “...Let me introduce! Sush and the samwiches! Sush, tell them about the samwich maker!”
Sasha: “All I saying is the samwich sush maker is a square... and my house the samwich maker... the samwiches and the square and the samwich maker!”
- (Halloween) -“Oh, look, it’s Shrek!”
The Hulk: “You single-handedly ruined my night, I’m the Hulk.”
-“Osama, I love you more than dirt!” I love you more than Jesus loves dirt and Jesus really loves dirt!” (One of our friends was dressed up as Osama Bin Laden for Halloween)
-“Pretty people...”
“Pretty people what?”
“Speak good.”
- “Here’s to being single, seeing double, and sleeping triple.”
- “Stop smoking booze.”
- (Talking about going to a party): “Yeah, I coughed up blood last night so I don’t think I’m gonna come.”
- “Hey you big dog. I’m hammered. Let’s get mammered!”
- (Leaving voicemail for a friend): “Hey – we just wanted to... hey! Get your ginormous cowboy hat out of my eye!”
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