My friends amuse me as much as the wall amuses my cat.
He ogles the wall like it's a female feline.
* "Last night I played with balls and ate nuts."
"Does your ass hurt again?"
* So I stalked this guy's calendar that I have a crush on at work. Tomorrow night we're going to the bar his calendar tells him to be at!"
"So his calendar is telling us where to go too? I don't like when other people's calendars tell me where to go."
* "I came home this morning to a hunter safety class being taught in my garage. Kinda sad, but it's a totally normal day."
* "I like to wear cowboy hats, shoot guns and listen to country music."
"You just rarely hear anybody say that in L.A.! I should come home more often."
"That's because L.A. is fake blonde hair, fake skin color, fake muscles, and fake people. Everyone wants to be an actor and everyone works as a waiter because they can't get acting jobs. Nor Cal has real people."
* "Kara, what happened last night? I don't have my car or car keys, my debit card, or one of my shoes."
"I think I have your car keys, but your car is across town. Your debit card is probably at one of the three bars we went to... and you texted me last night to say you found your shoe in the bathtub. Look there first!"
* "In my next life, I want to be a cat. Cats are so flexible they can lick their own balls."
"They also cough up hair-balls."
"I wonder how often the hair-balls are from the hair on their balls."
* I don't have any money. So I'm selling the furniture in the house. Today I put my mom's bed up for sale on Craigslist."