December 20th 9:09pm - Bum Molestation

Last night a friend and I journeyed (aka drove twenty minutes) to downtown San Francisco for dinner before presenting ourselves at another friend’s Christmas party. We determined driving was an absolute necessity (as opposed to employing public transit) to avoid the crazies and conserve transport time. Upon street parking a few blocks from our destination, three insanity-infested homeless people instantaneously enveloped us. The woman immediately gravitated toward my red-Google-embroidered-beanie-clad friend and nestled under his arm, enclosing him in a hug-like embrace. On the opposite side of the car’s sidewalk, I giggled. As the shorter man tottered to the woman, the taller of the two men informed me: “Yo, that man jus out of jail. They married,” he added with a wave of his arm and a triumphant nod. My friend awkwardly removed the woman’s arms from around him and marched to me. “You all married?” Tall Man questioned us. To our “No,” he replied, “You brother and sister?” Again, “No.” Tall Man’s face echoed perplexity. His concentration on me, my friend’s head and eyes frenziedly motioned to go as Molester Woman assaulted his head, seizing red-Google-embroidered-beanie and staggering away with it. My friend’s distressed reaction prompted Convict to approach his “woman.” He wrestled it from her grasp, returned with the beanie, and punctually demanded payment and the words, “That was no easy thing.” I laughed. My friend pocketed treasured beanie as Molester Woman resumed her assault on him. He extracted her arms, and she, at the apparent lack of back-pocket-wallet, again snatched beloved beanie and slipped away to his “God Damnit!” I found this highly amusing and rewarded my entertainment with $2 conveniently dispensed to Convict, as he was closest to me and his “woman” currently had possession of Friend’s hat. Convict eagerly deposited money and then targeted the beanie, ceremoniously returning it, again, to Friend. When Molester Woman almost commenced molestation for the third time, Convict Husband enlightened her as to my generosity. She flung herself at me, beseeching me for $1 of the $2. I replied: up to husband, and darted away with Beanie Friend and my life intact. As we dodged cars, Tall Man reassured me, “I’ll watch your car.”

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