September 23rd 5:45pm - My Younger Years

Lesson: Come Up with More Believable Lies

(If at all avoidable, never lie about these things. Learn from the experiences of one who should have discovered earlier in life that lying to the parents rarely works):

* “But I did feed the cat!”
This works until your parents demand you show them where the cat bowl is. Wandering around in the dark saying, “I swear I put it right here,” isn’t as successful or believable as one would think.

* “I didn’t spill the crystallizing rock on the Oriental rug and then turn it around and move the couch over it so you wouldn’t notice.”
This will not work if you were the only one home.

* “Well, I certainly don’t know where the 4th of July flag cake went. Ask someone else.”
Before denying this, look in the mirror to ensure frosting isn’t lingering on your face.

* “Why would I wipe green paint on the white couch? I’m the oldest. I’m not that dumb.”
This was, in fact, because I was too lazy to retrieve a paper towel or take the oh-so-long trek to the sink. But rest assured, it was many many moons ago. I’m slightly less lazy now.

* “My sister bit my arm! Punish her!”
This will not work if you are sizably larger than your younger sister, and therefore have a substantially bigger mouth. And had bit your arm yourself.

* “I didn’t pick all the dried wax off the candlestick and leave it on the table and then try to set it on fire.”
With this one, my mom put me, my brother, and sister in time-out in the bathroom until one of us admitted guilt. The awful little people that we were, my brother and I convinced my sister she must have done it and forgotten about it.

* “I didn’t leave the gate open. The dog escaped some other way.”
If your mom actually saw you commit said crime, she probably isn’t going to trust that you didn’t.

* "Yes I went to the movies. But I did not make color copies of all the bills my sister had, cut them out, and then replace them in her dresser drawer when you refused to give me money to go. I... borrowed the money from... a friend?"

* “But we were just lying on each other, we weren’t actually doing anything.”
Ya… this never works. Especially if your shirt is off. Slightly hard to deem innocent.

* “He spent the night on the couch in my room, not in my bed.”
Self-explanatory.

* “I didn’t pee in my bed last night. A drunken boy definitely didn’t pee in my bed with me in it and then leave this morning without cleaning it up. It’s beyond me how this could have happened.”