I never watch infomercials. And I'm pretty much narcoleptic. I fall asleep anywhere without warning at essentially any time of the day. It becomes quite inconvenient when I'm in a conference with only one other person. Or in front of a class presenting a group project. Or grocery shopping.
Anyway, I was falling asleep (reasonably: on the couch this time) when my body abruptly jolted out of its dead-to-the-world slumber and sat upright. My eyelids unbolted. I was awake. I was witnessing a fantasy. An infomercial of inconceivable powers. The Magic Bullet. Twenty-one pieces of divine plastic apparatus. I could chop onions, mince garlic, and grate cheese in less than ten seconds. I could blend a smoothie in seven seconds. Tomatoes, onions, and pepper = salsa in five seconds, spaghetti meat sauce in six seconds, guacamole: five seconds, egg salad: four seconds, scrambled eggs: six seconds, margaritas: nine seconds. All for the exceedingly affordable price of two for $100. A dream come true. I wanted it. I had to have it. I ordered it. Fifteen days, three missed FedEx deliveries, and a thirty-minute-turned-sixty-lost-minutes drive to the nearest FedEx warehouse later, I had it. I owned The Magic Bullet. Upon arrival at my apartment I immediately made myself a seven-second smoothie. Aside from a few remaining chunks of frozen fruit (one of which I choked on), the smoothie was perfect. I situated the variety of pieces in our one kitchen cupboard and felt fulfilled. When my roommate strolled in the door I accosted her with my joyous announcement:
"I got The Magic Bullet," I broadcasted, a smile decorating the entire width of my face.
"Oh, that's cool," was her response.
"I'm so excited! I can do soooo much with it," I crooned.
"Good for you!"
"It's so versatile. I didn't know they made things like that so adaptable!" I happily proclaimed.
"Really? I didn't either."
"Ya, it can even do things like garlic," I said, ecstatic.
"I don't even know how that would work," my roommate responded with a perplexing look.
"I know! And everything it does only takes ten seconds! At most," I intoned.
"Damn. That's impressive."
"You have no idea. It's amazing! You can use it any time you want."
"Uhhh, thanks. I think I'll just leave that to you though," she said.
"No, really, I got it for the house," I pronounced, plopping down on a chair.
"Umm, thanks, but I really think that's your own thing."
"Well, whatever, you can use it any time you want," I replied. "It makes smoothies in seven, well... maybe eight seconds. And guac in five seconds. It really is amazing!"
"Wait. What the hell?" she asked.
The entire length of the conversation she thought I had been referring to a dildo.