September 1, 2008 11:30pm - Bar Fight?

Friday night my two roommates and I came to the always-genius decision to drink copious amounts of alcohol, then go pre-game at a friend's house, and only then disembark for the bars. By the time we arrived at the bar I was drunk. My eyes go Asian-slit status after a few too many drinks and the bouncer noticed my eyeball non-existence immediately. He allowed some of my friends to penetrate into the oh-so-desirable bar, but when it got to my turn, he refused.
"You can't go in," he informed me, and crossed the bulging biceps that comprised his arms.
"Well, why not?" I asked the three hundred pound muscle looming before me. I crossed my arms.
"You're drunk," he said.
"Everyone's drunk!" I retorted.
"I can't even see your eyes," he said.
"I'm Asian," I said. He laughed.
"You're so drunk I just can't let you in."
"Yes you can!"
"No I can't."
This cyclical succession persisted back-and-forth six times. I finally decided it was prudent to push him a bit. So I did. I pushed him (very gently) as I said, "Let me in!" He didn't even twitch. My efforts were completely useless. He laughed at me and then pushed me. I reeled backwards, regaining my balance after a few staggering steps, ran back to him and announced, "See, I didn't fall over, I'm not that drunk!" He informed me my reactions were ridiculously slow. "They are not!" I said. With a hand on either side of my face he softly patted the sides of it back and forth a few times. My head obeyed the might of his fingers and bobbed from side to side in between his hands. Reaction: I reached up and did the same to his face. I then fixated on the concept that boxing this enormous man in front of me with the almighty power of entry was a good idea. I pranced around, shifting my weight from foot to foot thinking: float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. I started jabbing my fists out at him. "You want to box? Let's box!" I said, brandishing my fists around like a possessed banshee. That's when more people arrived in line behind me. Result: muscleman oh-so-generously granted me access to the entry of the bar, and I had a good story to tell the next day.

No comments: