January 26th 10:15am - Vegas. Again. You Know You're Drunk When...

My roommate and best friend supplied us, her best high school friends, with feeble excuses for not attending the past two New Year’s Vegas excursions. Last week she proclaimed she was journeying to Las Vegas with her boyfriend and thirteen of his friends for the weekend.
We, her uninvited high school friends, executed the only logical exploit… we road tripped to Vegas and bombarded her.
The following are from the one night we devoted to Vegas.

You Know You’re Drunk When…

* You inhale a cigar, lit end in your mouth, your mouth fills with ash, and you refuse your friend’s offer to acquire water.

* You take three Jager shots at 3pm after having just concluded a buffet brunch with unlimited champagne.

* You inundate your friend with your presence, surprising her, at a German Brewery entitled Hofbrauhaus.

* Your friend departs for a sexual hypnotist, and you stay at the Hofbrauhaus for hours, parading around, dancing on tables, and yelling to one another through the restaurant/bar.

* Two of your friends instruct you to watch your other friend. You meet them outside shortly after without your responsibility, not remembering you were entrusted with another person.

* Your friend returns inside to find you slumped over a chair next to a family with young children. The parents present you with a knowing laugh.

* You get into bed at 9:30pm, lights out, only to determine you are not done with Vegas and you are going out again.

* You and a friend trek to Hooters, climb an obstacle in the form of a fence, and both plummet from the fence, damaging your knees. You persist to Hooters.

* You enter Hooters requesting Band aids for your hands, shirt and hair disheveled, limping, and wanting wings. You lose your friend at Hooters.

* You depart Hooters and your friend, instead strolling the strip in search of a sleeping spot. An off-duty police officer awakes you in Mandalay Bay’s arena querying if you’re alright and how you got in, because the arena was closed. You’re next to a concessions stand. You don’t know how you entered the arena.

* You don’t know your room number and the front desk attendant forces your friend to walk over to get you at 4am.

* The next day your fence-scaling friends both have substantial limps. People gawk at you everywhere you go.

* You lost two hats the night before. You locate your black cowboy hat at Mandalay Bay. They inform you it was found in the parking garage. You don’t recall being in a parking garage. You locate your black baseball cap in the back of another friend’s car.