May 29th 9:01am - Wisdom of Me

I have gained less wisdom in my twenty-three years of life than Simba does in the eighty-seven minute movie Lion King. Below, observe my findings.

* Men do not comprehend hints. If you desire a DVD for your birthday, tell him. Directly. Mentioning four times a day, "I love the movie so much and I wish I had it. My birthday is next week," does not equate telling him. "I want Forgetting Sarah Marshall for my birthday next week. It's on June 7th," does comprise telling him.

* Commencing the evening by consuming a bottle of wine = solid pre-game.
Following bottle with beer and countless Jager shots = ensured black-out. No exceptions.

* Sex toys are superb. They provide diversity.

* If you inhale more than seven shots before you leave the initial house/apartment, consider departing with the phone. If you take it with you, there's a 98% chance you will lose it at the bar/club. Blaming your sober friend for the phone's inevitable loss will be as effective as me in a class after consuming a large amount of food. I fall asleep. 

* If God endowed a man with a shrinky dink, it will forever remain a shrinky dink. Jack's magic beans exist with beanstalks. They do not prevail with penises.

* If a man pisses the bed with you in it, chances are he'll be a repeat offender. Be careful. Be careful like Bambi.

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