May 21st 11:58pm - Text Messages

Text messages I receive from friends and text conversations I partake in can be as amusing as The 40-Year-Old Virgin "You know how I know you're gay?" scene. I feel like our lives should be recorded.

* "He tells me I passed out in the street under a car. I'm asking for trouble like a cat in a dryer." 

* "One of my five-year-old students just told me, 'If you get with a lot of girls and run from the cops, you a real punk.'" 

* Me: "I woke up this morning with a beer glass in my purse. I have vague recollections of your friend putting it there." 

SP: "By any chance are you missing dice from your house? After breakfast he found 12 dice in his pocket." 

* SP: "Your mom is a dangerous person to be drunk around. I feel like she knows more about my life than me." 

* "My mom woke me up this morning at 8am because I had a phone call. I had a boy in my bed. Neither of us remember what happened last night." 

"He probably suffered from LDS if it's any consolation."

"What's LDS?"

"Limp Dick Syndrome." 

* "I wonder what's going to happen to us tonight?!"

"The sad thing is, we'll never know." 

* SP: "I decided to wash my jeans that have weathered through the last few bloody adventures only to find that the wash caused the inside stains to show up on the outside. I look like I slaughter cows." 

* "Just read an article that said garlic used to be used as birth control! Possibly why I'm infertile. I'm obsessed with garlic and eat it every day. The world makes sense." 

* "One of my five-year-old students now refuses to respond to his name. His new name is Chris Brown." 

* "What am I supposed to wear to go in to a military office? I feel like I should be in a uniform."

"The military prefer their women to talk to them nude or semi-nude, tall stilettos with money hanging out of their underwear... or just jeans and a tee-shirt. Whatever's easier." 

* "I woke up this morning with a guy in my bed that looks like Carrot Top, my phone missing, my leg scraped up, and my car parked on the curb with a ticket on it." 

"Oh no. Carrot Top is not attractive. Where did you find him?"

"I feel like we met at the circus. But it could have been the sidewalk."