June 4th 1:02pm - Military Merriment Round 2

The following day, I met with a doctor. This was as delightful as the time my gynecologist called me, illuminating my results were abnormal and I had to return to the office. Two weeks later I received another call: nothing was wrong with me. 

Doc conducted a questionnaire, composing questions concerning family, drugs, alcohol, traffic violations, prior police involvement, etc etc. 

I had previously been carefully and abundantly debriefed by various persons in the recruiting process. Earlier debriefings had comprised conversations such as:

"Have you ever in your life smoked marijuana or any other illegal drug?" 

"Umm, not that much. I've smoked a bit with my friends, but usually only a handful of times a year." 

"I'm going to ask you again. Have you ever in your life smoked marijuana?"

"Ya, like I said, but only like fifteen times in my entire life." 

"I'm going to ask you again. Have you ever in your life smoked marijuana?" 

"No Sir. Never smoked anything, Sir." 

"Are you sure? Not even once or twice when you were intoxicated with your friends?"

"No Sir. Nothing." 

"Next question. Do you have any outstanding traffic violations or have you ever received any traffic tickets, including such minor offenses as parking tickets?"

"Oh, God yes. I think I've received three speeding tickets, two moving violations, and like thirty parking tickets. I really don't know though, because I've been pulled over so many times, it's possible I have received more than five actual tickets."

"Do you have any outstanding tickets? Anything that has yet to be taken care of?" 

"No. The most recent thing was I had a warrant out for my arrest in March because I didn't know I had to pay $10 for a side mirror fix-it ticket. But I had already sold my car. It's a long story." 

"But nothing you have yet to take care of?" 

"No Sir." 

"So. Do you have any outstanding traffic violations or have you ever received any traffic tickets, including such minor offenses as parking tickets?"

"No?"

"Good. Next question..." 

Thus, when Doc questioned me, I had prepared denial answers to all. Nobody in my family was in jail or lived outside of the USA, I had never drank in excess, never smoked anything in my life, never felt sad, never received bad grades in school, never been in trouble with the law/ law enforcement officials in any capacity, and absolutely never had received any sort of ticket as concerns my car. I do not own a car. I do have one tattoo. 

Doc's next question: "Where do you get your eyelashes from?"

"Umm, my mom." 

"Oh, so she helps you apply them?"

"Noo. My eyelashes are real. I was talking about genetics. DNA. I get them from my mom. My dad's eyelashes aren't that long." 

"Very nice." 

"Um. What?"