When we drove to Vegas in a motorhome, my friends and I made a list. Because we were downing enough rum and Coors Light to fell a mammoth, it was a drunk list. Whoever accomplished something on the list got a point. Whoever had the most points at the end of the trip, won.
A few items from The List:
* Get laid (couples don't count)
* Ride a mechanical bull
* Take a picture with a tranny
* Puke and rally
We kicked off our last night in Vegas by pledging to accomplish things on The List. We started at the Cosmopolitan. It had opened two weeks earlier, and we went because of the three-storey crystal chandelier. The guys wanted to hit on the girls that were inevitably drawn to the gazillion crystals hanging from the ceiling. Shiny things attract girls. They're like birds.
When we walked in, Caitlin Moe, an electric violinist, was playing to the house music that DJ Mia Moretti was busting out. I was in awe.
These women were hot and I was convinced had as much musical genius as Beethoven. If I were a lesbian, I would have proposed lesbian marriage. To both of them. I was so enthralled with the tunes they were spinning that I failed to notice my friend Sinner getting molested.
Sinner's girl kissed him and bit his face. While dancing, she fondled his willy through his jeans. She straddled Sinner on a chair in the Cosmo and moved her underwear to one side. A random girl approached Sinner and told them that they were being inappropriate. Sinner's molester mumbled that it was late, and then she stumbled off him and out of the casino. Her name was Candy, and it was eleven-thirty at night.
T-Rex noticed a semi-attractive female and hit on her. He asked her what her favorite color was. He asked her what her favorite drink was. He asked her to go home with him. She declined. When he pointed her out to Sinner, Sinner said that she was the cockblock who had sent Candy home. T-Rex repeatedly hit on Cockblock the rest of the night, incessantly yelling to Sinner, "I don't care what she did, she's hot!"
I eventually extracted myself from the mesmerizing music being produced, and recalled that I wanted to ride a mechanical bull. Natty Light, Parrot, Baby Bear, Delight, a few others, and I found my brother and cousin looking for food in the Cosmo's empty conference rooms.
According to Cousin, Brother had been demanding food for an hour. While we attempted to find our way to one of Cosmo's exits, Brother petitioned for food. I appealed for a mechanical bull ride, explaining that he could get food at Treasure Island, directly across the way. Brother detoured to look for food up stairwells and down escalators. He inspected under chairs and behind Blackjack tables. We discovered Pakistan dominating the Blackjack tables, but no food.
When Pakistan wins, he is overly generous. Money falls from his hands and his pockets. I wanted to stay with Pakistan for moral support and free drinks, but I wanted the mechanical bull vibrations more. Plus, Brother kept complaining. He wanted pizza, or food, or pizza, or any kind of food, and he continued to announce it.
We went to Gilley's at Treasure Island. Gilley's had swings suspended from the ceiling, a mechanical bull, and a full restaurant with an authentic country BBQ menu. The place was fantastic, and Brother was ecstatic. After thoroughly studying the menu, he ordered one side of baked beans.
Everyone who signed up to ride the bull had to sign a page-long, eight-point font disclaimer. The paper essentially said that if you were injured on the bull, or if you died, Gilley's wasn't responsible.
Cousin was riding the bull when Natty Light walked up to us and said that there was puke in the toilet he used, and the guy in the stall next to him was puking. When he walked out of the bathroom, Security Guard accosted him, saying, "You were puking in the bathroom. I'm going to have to ask you to leave."
"But I'm sober, I wasn't puking, and my friends account for ninety percent of the people in this bar."
Security Guard insisted, "My guy told me it was you."
"I'm completely sober. Do I seem like I've been puking? Your guy's wrong."
Natty Light's sober eyes and coherent speaking confused Security Guard, and he let him stay.
"I can't believe I almost got kicked out of a bar for being sober," Natty Light exclaimed.
We rode the mechanical bull until the place closed, and when we left, Brother limped out of the bar. He had pulled his groin while riding the bull.
We returned to the Cosmopolitan to find the rest of our friends. My girl Delight and I were watching Pakistan at the Blackjack tables when we noticed a tranny. Pakistan was rolling in money, but the tranny was wearing booty shorts and garters. He won.
After the tranny called us "darling" eighteen times each, we were walking back to our friends when we noticed a tall man flanked by two girls that looked like models. All I saw were boobs and booties and long, thin legs. Hot Girl #1 said, "You're funny!" and stroked the guy's arm. Hot Girl #2 followed with, "You are sooo funny!" and ran her fingertips along his back. Clearly the guy must look like Brad Pitt. A random man walked by, noticed us watching, nodded towards them, and said, "Those two girls are totally hustling that guy." It wasn't until eighteen steps later that the guy turned around. It was T-Rex.
T-Rex continued to energetically chase down every female that walked past him. His standards lowered every ten minutes. At one point he pursued a girl who closely resembled a manatee. However, her vagina was hanging out, so she was an easy target.
My crew and I gathered and walked through Cosmo when one of our high school friends strolled up holding the hand of an Asian chick who may or may not be a stripper. She wore eight-inch heels, fake eyelashes, bright red lipstick, and a short turquoise sequin dress that extended out in a two-foot radius. We said hi with a few hugs before the group descended into utter silence. To add some conversation, Sinner screamed, "Wow, never thought seeing your friends in public would be so awkward."
After a few forced chuckles, everyone went mute again.
And then Asia yelled, "Hey, look, it's Carrot Top!"
Everyone turned around in confusion, didn't see Carrot Top, and turned back to Asia with question marks for faces.
"Look, it really is Carrot Top!" she repeated.
We still didn't see Carrot Top.
"Right there!" she exclaimed and pointed again.
She had been pointing at Baby Bear's brown hair.
Sinner explained that Carrot Top actually had red hair, and that she was mistaking our brown-haired friend for a firecrotch.
"I'm so sorry!" she screamed, and hugged Baby Bear as if he were a stuffed animal. Asia then placed her face three inches from Baby Bear's and talked about seeing Criss Angel. She repeated the same three sentences four times. Baby Bear smiled, laughed, and looked at us shaking his head, baffled. One second Asia was standing, echoing that she saw Criss Angel, and then she was on the floor. Her legs flew over her head. Turquoise sequins went everywhere. Everyone within a forty foot radius stared.
"Baby Bear, did you knock her down?" someone bellowed.
I grabbed the nearest thing to me, Sinner's arm, and we turned our heads away, shaking violently from laughter. Sinner enthusiastically high-fived a stranger. When we had recovered and looked back around, they had disappeared. Sinner immediately Facebook friend requested Asia. He wanted to make fun of her.
When we were ready to return to the Rio, the taxi wait line was longer than the entrance line to Tao.
Pakistan had won $1,500 and was ballin' it up. He paid for a limo back to our hotel.
As we walked towards the elevators, Pakistan looked at me, said, "One more," and laid $100 on a Blackjack table. He had a soft fifteen, and the dealer had a six. Pakistan doubled down and won $200 on the table. He exited the casino a Blackjack pimp.
Hours later, Cousin ended up at a restaurant in the Rio. He didn't know how he got there, but after twenty minutes of careful consideration, he ordered a two-egg platter. When the waitress asked if he wanted links or paddies, Cousin was confused. It was the hardest question he had heard. Ever. After more careful deliberation, he settled on paddies. Deciding what to order: twenty-three minutes. Receiving the food: eighteen minutes. Throwing up after finishing the food: immediate. Cousin puked and rallied.