January 12th 2011 10:05am - Bady and Piping

Some of my friends have the texting skills of a crocodile. I can usually decipher. However, when I receive a text message that is complete gibberish at four in the afternoon, I have to assume that whoever sent it was drunk. Knowing my friends, if I get a "qwgr r up pll?" text at eleven in the morning, someone was drunk. When the entire text is impeccably written in coherent English except for one pig latin word, I get confused.
We were sitting in a circle in our room at Vegas' Rio getting our drink on before embarking on our quests. Most of the guys wanted to locate girls with low self esteems. I wanted to ride a mechanical bull.
Sinner blinked at his phone twice and then announced to the room, "I think she's kinda drunk because she just texted me, 'Wanna pipe?' What is that? How do you respond to that? What's piping? What does that mean?"
We stared at our phones for five minutes trying to determine what she might have intended to type.
"Maybe she meant the word sire?" someone suggested.
"Sire? 'Wanna sire?' No way man. This isn't the goddamn Renaissance."
"What does sire mean?" someone else asked.
"Never mind."
"But what does pipe mean?"
"Maybe it means dance?"
"What about talk?"
"No girl asks a guy if they wanna talk."
"Who would use the word pipe if they wanted to dance?"
"Agghh what is pipe?" Sinner yelled, throwing his hands up in the air. He was addressing God.
"It's from a girl, right? Just say yes. Always say yes," I advised.
"It must have been a typo. I just responded with, 'What???'" Sinner replied. "Three question marks. I couldn't wait any longer before replying. It had already been eighteen minutes."
T-Rex then shouted, "I just got a text from a girl who said, 'Maybe bady.' I asked her if she wanted to hang out tonight, and she replied, 'Maybe bady.' What the hell is a bady? And what the hell is up with these girls?"
"Maybe she's calling you bad. Like you bad boy. You bady," I suggested.
My brother walked into the room, and I asked him if he knew what piping or bady meant. He said that piping meant to have sex.
"So, 'wanna pipe' means wanna have sex?" I asked.
"Nooo," screamed Sinner. "I'm texting her, 'Let's pipe' right now!"
She never responded.
Sinner went on a drunken tirade. "Damnit, it took me twenty-six minutes after her initial text to reply 'Let's pipe!' She's probably piping some other dude right now. Girls have it so easy. I'm such a loser. I'm not piping anything right now. I'll be piping my laptop in a few days. T-Rex has been piping his laptop since he was sixteen. He's in a long-term relationship."
T-Rex: "She doesn't get viruses. She's clean."
Sinner sighed, "She's got a cute screen."
T-Rex: "She's got an amazing screen. Twenty-seven inches. But seriously guys, more importantly, what is a bady? And why would that chick respond with, 'Maybe bady?'"
Natty Light looked it up and informed us that according to Urban Dictionary, a bady is: "A spelling of baby for people (usually people who think they are gangsters) who are particularly retarded."
"I'm so excited," T-Rex exclaimed.
"Why, because she might be particularly retarded, or because she thinks she's a gangster?" I asked.

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