January 15th 2011 11:27am - Squeeze the Tip

Any girl can bag a guy in a bar. As long as she doesn't resemble Frankenstein. I've seen my good-looking male friends kissing girls who have the appeal of a banana slug. As long as a chick's face doesn't resemble a vagina, there's hope. Girls just stand in a bar and have options. Guys have to work to get laid. Relationships=consistent sex.

We were still sitting in the Rio. The guys were still trying to lower their standards by alcohol consumption, and I still wanted to ride a mechanical bull. We were talking about sex.

Sinner stood up, demanding our attention, "The thing is, when you're with your girlfriend, you can last forever. When you're single, forget about it."

He placed his hands out in front of him, beer in one hand, and thrust his hips forward, making the O face. After three thrusts, he shrugged and sat down.

"I've found the solution to that one," shouted T-Rex. "You just have to squeeze the tip of the penis. It lasts longer."

He stood up, thrust three times, and then squeezed his hand into a fist in front of his crotch.

"You just squeeze it, 'Oh ya baby, you like that? You like Papa?' The harder you squeeze, the longer you last. It's like Viagra."

Sinner stood up again. "I'm squeezing my dick, it's physics, Bitch!"

"You just grab it and, aggghhhh, aggghhhh," T-Rex screamed like a rapist.

I was giggling and unintentionally squirting beer out of my nose. I felt like a dysfunctional drinking fountain. When I was capable of speech again, I said that as a girl, if I was in the middle of the mattress mambo, and the guy I was with strangled his schlong and shrieked, I would be concerned.

"But girls like it when you last longer. And that is how you last longer," T-Rex said. He then repeated the squeezing motion and screamed.

"And suffocating your dick is the answer?" I asked.

"Dude, by squeezing my dick, I can last like thirty seconds longer."

I choked on my beer.

"Seriously. You squeeze, you thrust, you squeeze, you thrust. I've lasted a LONG time. It's like Viagra. I'm telling you."

"Dude, if you have a girlfriend, you can go all night," one of the serial monogamists said.

T-Rex laughed. "That's impossible. I have a sex mix. With shortened songs. The more songs play, the longer the girl thinks it lasts. I'm serious. Eight minutes!"

Some of our other friends choked on their drinks.

"Eight?"

"Ok, wait, let me think. I've gone twelve minutes before. I gave that sex kitten the ride of her life. Twelve minutes, you guys. Twelve. I'm not exaggerating!"

He's never been in a relationship before.