March 10th 11:30pm - Dear Breasts

Dear Breasts, I do not comprehend your insistence that male monkeys have breasts more sizable than you. I score as much sensation from a nightdress as I do from caresses, clasps, grapples and grasps. I have more nerve endings in my feet than in you, my frost detectors. I apologize that I daily suppress you with Scotch tape or Duct tape. Perhaps if you didn't protrude the nipples out like a male erection of the breasts, I wouldn't have to stifle you. Perhaps, if you were the size of an ordinary twelve-year-old female, I could wear a bra. Instead, my ribs pouch out as much as you, my jogging partners.

Dear Breasts, I tolerate that you are in competition with my head for sprouting the most hair. But I do not appreciate your insistence on blossoming miscreant black hairs, as they spawn male comments such as, "You have hairy nipples!" This is not pleasant. I recognize your anorexic need for attention, as I don't fondle, cuddle, love or hug you. However, when 95.3% of males have larger Congo bongos than you are, they grip their own knockers more than they grope you. The appeal of the unfamiliar woman boobs is lost when a McDonald's three-year-old's zonkers are more walloping.

Dear Breasts,

You cause mocks and jests,

You have won smallest-breast contests,

There have been fake boob requests,

Innumerable molests and grabfests,

Augmentation quests,

Much male disgust and detest,

And, while I'm unstressed,

I will deem myself blessed,

If only you will stop

Sprouting black hairs like a goddamn crop