Within minutes of hearing that Michael Jackson died, I received a slew of inappropriate text messages from my friends. I love my friends like I love my grandma.
They were under the impression that because of his antics the past decade, one minute and thirteen seconds of mourning was enough time before Michael Jackson jokes were distributed.
* Michael Jackson died. Little boys can sleep easier tonight.
* It has been released that Michael Jackson's last wish was to be melted down and made into a slide so little kids can go down on him forever.
* Michael Jackson's last words: "Take me to the Children's Hospital."
* Since Michael Jackson is 99% plastic they're going to melt him down into Legos so kids can play with him for a change.
* Autopsy results are in for Michael Jackson: food poisoning. Apparently he was eating twelve-year-old nuts.
* Only in America can someone be born a black man and die a white woman.
* Out of respect, McDonalds has released the McJackson burger: 50-year-old meat between 10-year-old buns.
* Michael Jackson's ashes are going to be put into an Etch-a-Sketch so kids can still twiddle his knob.