By November, the three-year-old had been screaming and crying about his wet doodle for a week and a half. When his mom took him to the doctor, she was informed that his uncircumcised penis tip was too long and should probably be cut off. I had noticed for a few months that the skin hanging off the kid's wiener was exceptionally long. However, I'd never studied uncircumcised child penises. I thought it was normal.
I heard crying issuing from the bathroom, and realized that a little human sobbing in the toilet should probably be investigated. I entered to see the three-year-old with his pants and underwear pulled down. He was yanking on his willy like it was a stuffed doll he was trying to mutilate.
"I don't want a wet doodle," he screamed, tears exploding from his eyes.
"My doodle's wet, it's wet inside," he continued.
"Okay, okay, let's wash your hands and then go eat dinner," I attempted to soothe him.
He put his pecker-infested hands directly on my face.
Halfway through dinner, the three-year-old put his fork down and ruptured into tears.
"I have a wet doodle," he sobbed.
The five-year-old thoughtfully responded, "Luckily I don't have a wet doodle to worry about."
The mom and I were on our second glasses of wine. I nodded my consent, shrugged, and chugged my wine. I was glad I didn't have a doodle. I wouldn't know what to do with it. Those things operate independently of male bodies. They're like leprechaun aliens in the form of penises.
However, the mom answered her five-year-old daughter with, "You'll have a doodle to worry about some day."
I had to cover my mouth and nose with my hands so the wine in my mouth wouldn't attack all the children within a seven-foot radius of me.
The mom laughed. The five-year-old turned a bewildered face to me.
"Kara, do you have a doodle?" she asked.
"No, you know girls don't have doodles! You'll have a husband some day. Your mom's saying that you'll have to worry about his doodle."
The five-year-old pondered this for three seconds before replying: "I won't worry about his doodle. I'll smack it out the window."