December 24th 12pm - Bonkers and Birthday

My twenty-fourth birthday was on December 22nd. It was an epic rager. If the definition of epic rager constitutes playing Trivial Pursuit until five o'clock in the morning with three friends, my brother, and his friend Bonkers.

Bonkers was in my kindergarten class. The following year he was in my brother's kindergarten class. Over the years he has:

* Entered class after lunch break with his shirt off because he was hot.

* Purposefully lit his hair on fire inside the white molester "family" van while my mom drove.

* Snuck through my bedroom window in the wee hours of the morning so I could zombie-awake to him orchestrating my stuffed animals in various pornographic positions. I was eleven.

* Locked the sloshed babysitter (my uncle) in my parent's bedroom. This resulted in Drunk Babysitter (my uncle) stabbing Bonkers with a flagpole. The metal eagle topping the flagpole ruptured into Bonker's ribs.

* Demanded I remove my shirt to stifle the smoke alarm when I set our kitchen on fire. I was twelve. My breasts were the size of a three-year-old male's.

My twenty-fourth birthday party was as eventful as a church sermon delivered by my God-preaching recovering drug addict uncle who currently flaunts his sexual prowess through exhibiting photos of twenty-something skankasaurus breasts. My eighteenth birthday party was an epic rager.

My friend Pakistan hosted the social lubrication.

By seven-thirty my friends began tallying marks on my arms. On my right arm, each tally represented a consumed beer. On my left arm, each mark represented a consumed shot.

By nine I was belching, staggering, groping others, groping myself, and urinating in the yard.

By ten-thirty my memories plummeted into the abyss of oral diarrhea, liquid legs, and draining a cocktail down my throat constituting chew spits and cigarette butts. I thought it was a beer.

By ten thirty-two my hippocampus ceased functioning. I blacked out.

The next morning my brain became cognizant of life when I sat up and smashed my head into the bunk-bed above me.

The host's car had a shattered window from some delinquent guests.

When I saw my brother, I verbally assaulted him for not coming to my birthday party.

His response: "I held you up for an hour. You stood because of me."