My high school friend Pakistan owns a motorcycle. I am as familiar with automatic-start motorcycles as I am with Fermat's Last Theorem. I have as much experience with manual-start motorcycles as Rapunzel has with alcohol. When Pakistan proposed we rent motorcycles and instead of a one-hour bus trip, ride motorcycles from Puri's beach town to Konark's Sun Temple and back, I summarily agreed as if he had suggested we locate Indian Rum and drink on the beach all day.
Our Lonely Planet guidebook described the Sun Temple as constructed in the mid-13th century and conceived as the "cosmic chariot" of Surya the Sun God.
Seven prancing horses (representing the seven days of the week) strain to move the twenty-four stone cartwheels around the temple's base. The guide continued to inform readers that, "The base and walls present a chronicle in stone of Kalinga life, a storyboard of life and love in a continuous procession of carvings. Many are in the erotic style for which Konark is famous and include entwined couples as well as solitary exhibitionists. Sometimes they're minute images on the spoke of a temple wheel; at other times they're larger-than-life-sized figures higher up the walls."
The Sun Temple section concluded with the sentences, "If there's anywhere worth hiring a guide, it's here. The temple's history is a complicated amalgam of fact and legend, and the guides' explanations are thought provoking."
Pakistan and I procured a guide.
Our guide explained the bottom five-inch row of stone-carved images on the temple's walls as intended for children, thus depictions of elephants, monkeys, and an affluence of other animals. All the carvings above were "for adults."
Professional Guide/Sex-Man identified the woman's wheel: "Each spoke is for different times of day. See, she gets up and bathes. Then she does make-up, then lounges, then night comes and she goes sex, sex, sex, sex. See, she doesn't sleep because there's so much sex. Look at the different sexual positions. She's sucking man, man sucking her, she's on one leg having sex. Very acrobatic. Lots of karma sutra."
Pakistan and I laughed, feeling as awkward as during a parent/child sex talk.
Sex-man cited countless carvings, consistently with animated detail.
"See, that one man, he has three women. One is penis-sucking, one touching his arm, and one concerned with his rear."
"This woman is masturbating. See? She's standing with her legs apart and her fingers are in her vagina. See? Woman feeling herself!"
"This is three men. See, they are in each other from behind? That man is sucking on that man's penis, and he also has a penis in him? See?"
"This man has venereal disease. Always just use smoke from fire. Smoke cures everything."
I was slightly skeptical as to using fire smoke as anything more than for warmth and bbq-ing, but as Sex-man seemed well-informed, I didn't question his authority just like I don't question warning labels on alcohol bottles. They're there so you know intoxication happens.
Sex-man ceaselessly continued: "See, that's sixty-nine? See, they're sucking each other. Look at his penis in her mouth. Big penis!"
"Look, lesbians! You can tell because they both have the breasts. And they're pleasuring each other. See, her fingers inside the other's vagina?"
"Look at this! He's giving it to her doggy-style. After six months with a baby inside, always do doggy-style so the baby's okay and the woman gets more pleasure. See, doggy-style? Sex like dogs? 13th-century men had very very big penises. Very pleasurable for the women. Women like big penises. And these men had huge penises. Good penetration doggy-style."
Sex-man continued with unabated breath while Pakistan and I pursued him like sheep.
After an hour, the tour terminated and Sex-man said we could give him however much we thought appropriate.
"A few years ago, one man from California, he said it was the best tour he ever had and gave me 1000 rupees!" Sex-man informed us.
We presented him with 150 rupees, which equates $3US, a good meal or a decent hotel room.
As of now, that is the first and last tour guide I've obtained in India.