July 6th, 2010 5:40pm - Happy Birthday America - You Know You're Drunk When...

Two months after my midget-short retreat to California, my friend wrote that he looks forward to my next return and "seeing you and the tornado of crazy shit that follows closely behind you." I imagine he was primarily referring to the events of the Fourth of July weekend.
My mom donated her house to my endeavors to make the weekend Chuck-Norris-badass. After a Costco run, a friend and I entered the house with enough food and booze provisions for a tribe. We had handles of Vodka, Rum, and Jager. And a keg.
"You got so much," my mom exclaimed. "I thought you said fifteen people?"
"Ummm... about that," I replied.
I invited eighty.

You Know You're Drunk When...

* You and a friend re-enact the Dirty Dancing lift in the river. It doesn't work.

* You stagger and fall through bushes and hedges while trying to get to the river. A random ancient male screams at the crew not to walk on the grass. He looks like he could own a shotgun. This confuses you. You get lost on the way to the river.

* You play Circle of Death for hours. The next morning, you've never heard of the game.

* You make jello shots in the largest brownie tin you can find.

* Your friends chief your face, arms, stomach, legs, calves, and the bottoms of your feet with blue Sharpie. You awake the next morning to discover blue smudges on both toilet seats. You don't know if they're from your ass, face, or arms.

* You don't sleep in your bed. You sleep on the hardwood floor without a pillow or blankets in your own house.

* The next morning, you can't find your phone. Someone locates it in the microwave. You vaguely recall putting it there, relieved that the microwave could keep it safe.

* You do a keg stand without anyone holding your feet.

* You yell profanities because you forgot to bring your mortars. Another friend reassures you that he brought some.

* You bring an AK-47 to a party. You remove it from your car and bring it into the backyard. A friend kisses the AK-47 on the back porch. She then aims it at the house and pretends to shoot.

* You buy an inflatable raft. You don't have a pump. It takes you three hours to blow it up with your mouth.

* You don't wear sandals river rafting because the previous year, you lost them. This year, your feet burn. Glass shards, rocks, and splinters imbed in your soles. Fragments are still inside your feet a week later.

* You believe three ziplock bags will protect your camera. You take pictures through the plastic. Your camera gets water damaged.

* Pictures of you doing a keg stand resemble you giving birth.

* At the end of the weekend, you announce that you only had four beers from the keg. Your friends promptly exhibit pictures of you doing keg stands and chugging beer from multiple cups.

* You miscalculate how far you'll float down the river. What you intend to be two miles is twelve.
* You exit the river to attempt to locate the cars. You walk through vineyards. The winery's owner finds you and gives you a ride to your vehicles.

* You wear a U.S. Army armband for two days. You have tan lines and no blood circulation when you remove it.

* You play partner flip cup, two versus two, while everyone else is passed out. You decide upon strip flip cup, losing team remains naked throughout the following game. When friends awaken and wander into the backyard, they see nakedness. All four of the participants are males.

* You place the unlit end of a sparkler in your naked ass. You chicken-dance around the yard with the sparkler lit. You shove it into your male friend's naked asshole. The next morning, you recall the sparkler and laugh hysterically. "He cannot be feeling okay this morning," you continually repeat. "He must have scorch marks inside his ass."

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