The mom I au pair for has crept baby duties into my workload as slowly as a disabled dung beetle. For the first two months, I held the baby. Then I put him to sleep. As of a few weeks ago, I changed his diaper. Tonight, I bathed him for the first time. He's five months old but wearing twelve-month clothing. He's grown in the past month and now his balls are quasi-average size, instead of abnormally colossal. Now he's hung like Michelangelo's David, instead of like a porn star.
I undressed the baby entirely and placed him on a changing pad on the bed. Then I looked for a towel. His baby gibberish mutterings leaked into the room as I looked in the closet. No towels were in the closet, and I turned back towards him to see urine arcing like half of the McDonald's arch onto the beige carpet. I blocked the stream with my body. I surveyed the bed with ADD eyes to discover an unused diaper. I was so frantic to stop the tidal wave of piss ushering from the baby that when I bent over, my face collided with baby urine. I seized the diaper and thrust it over his penis. It wasn't until afterwards that I recalled my mom's story of the first time my uncle changed my brother's diaper. He got a mouthful of baby pee. When changing diapers, always cover the penis at all times. Preferably with a cloth, not with your body. Babies stockpile urine until they can use it on someone.